Faith is my Floatation Device

Less than a week later, I can see the possibility that my chaotic life could take on some order in the near future. I sure hope so because the past five weeks have been nothing short of hell.

My last job sucked away every chance I had at staying positive during this employed student life I now lead. I have fallen behind in my schoolwork due to lack of free time to work on my projects and pure exhaustion, which made me sleep longer than usual. My new job, which I started last Sunday, seems to promise a more stable situation. I can choose how much I work, I get a break during my shift, and I get to leave according to my scheduled time. This means predictability of free time. I am also working much nearer to my school, which allows me to spend more time on campus working on my projects and less time traveling. I will have to make extra effort to catch up on my assignments, but it's certainly doable with determination and focus.

In the midst of this, I feel peace in prayer and what I can guess to be meditation. Just sitting on train on the way to work, closed eyes and slow breathing, just feeling my own spirit within and knowing it is immune to the outer pressures of this world. It's helped me find balance.

I cannot wait to be caught up. It's exciting to see the things I've done so far. I am an animator. Making images move and is a wonderful feeling. I have created characters out of nothing and breathed life into them making them lovable, despicable, or awesome. What an amazing gift this is. I want to master these skills as quickly as possible. It's addictive.

Better

A quick update on my situation due to this horrendous hour of the morning alongside the need to announce things are better than my last post.

My last day at the ice cream store is this afternoon. I was hired at the job my roommate recommended and am certain it will yield a friendlier schedule. I will be one of those annoying people tourists find at the city attractions who corral them into group photos and try to sell a photo package after their tour. It's higher pay than the ice cream store and it's in the downtown area, so I can access school either before or after work, which will allow me more time to work on my projects and less time on the transit. Whew!

My professors have been amazing during these first few weeks of the quarter. I have kept them informed of the strains work has put on my study time and they've given me more breaks than I could have asked for. I will most certainly be able to pull through now that this new job is underway. I am very excited about finally being on track.

I've organized my room a bit differently, setting up the milk crates in a bookshelf fashion. Even that improved the look of the room. Yesterday my awesome roommates and I had a roommate pow wow, which involved installing screens in our windows and discussions about sharing the fridge, pantry shelves, and cleaning duties. How wonderful to have a screen in my window, allowing me to let fresh air in minus the bugs. Before this luxury, I was running a small fan during the night for airflow which did the trick but also neutralized the beep from my alarm in the morning. It was always a crap shoot as to if I'd hear it.

I do not know for sure when I can bring my stuff here from the storage garage in Toledo, but I've set a goal to figure out how to do it before mid-September. I have quite a few things aside from my own furniture that would be great to have here. My roommates are looking forward to my working vacuum cleaner, for instance. :)

I have set down my knitting for now and taken up reading books on the transit. This is a nice little change and I've been wanting to find time to read non-school books. A friend from Toledo visited a couple weeks ago and we stopped into a used book store where we found two copies of Tess of the d'Ubervilles. Neither of us have read this novel but have wanted to (knowing it's not a happy tale), so we both bought a copy and vowed to discuss our individual progress. We are a miniature book club.

Also, I have remembered my daily prayers. This has been missing, and I know from past experiences that when things get rough, I usually find this corresponding with lack of prayer. Not that prayer keeps the bad days away, but it certainly makes them more tolerable and solutions more visible. I believe my renewed commitment is helping.

I feel balance is near. Maybe one day I can have a little thing called free time and phone a friend for dinner.

Death Trap

Order and balance are essential in one's life and I feel it's a daily struggle to find and maintain both. Lately, I feel I've had neither. It's been this way for a couple months, though the source of imbalance and disorder has changed shape a few times.

Since my last post, I have moved out of student housing to a new apartment north of downtown, thanks to a successful roommate match through Craig's List. I have also acquired a job with an ice cream store, thanks to the wonderfully informative Career Services at my school. It feels good to have my own bedroom and an honest income.

Moving day was pretty hectic due to plans A and B falling through in regards to moving my stuff and plan C landing my stuff in the new apartment and me helping my friend move her stuff to Dayton, in hopes of me taking the truck to Toledo and bringing my furniture and other stored items here to Chicago. Unfortunately, time, money, and friends were not available to help move my stuff, so I had made the trip to Dayton in vain and had to return with an empty truck.

I have been sleeping on an air mattress for about three weeks with my things strewn about the room mostly still in boxes to keep some sort of order. Though I know the types of items that are in each box, I have trouble remembering exactly what individual items are contained. My "desk" is an upside down milk crate and my "bookshelves" are a stack of two milk crates with books heaped inside because there are too many to fit. I dream of my bed and my drawing table, both of which would make life much more comfortable and off the floor. My bookshelves would make my books readily available and help store other things I'd like to have visible and ready to use. I dream of selling all the furniture I have in storage and lightening my possessions, while relieving the obligation to pay for storing them.

Earlier this month, I had begun reading about feng shui and I must say it has made me think seriously about my environment and the way it can effect my mood, attitude, behaviour, and therefore my life. My room and belongings are in disarray, and well...so is my life, as of yet. Though a source of income, this store has become a vacuum of energy and time. I am working at an ice cream store that just opened up in a classy bar district on the west side. Last week I worked 50 hours, which included three 12 hour shifts. There were days we were so slammed busy, no one got a break nor a drink of water because if one second was lost in putting together orders, we would be backed up beyond repair. It's a physically trying job, to boot, and I come home so exhausted some nights (sometimes at 2:30am), I cannot think nor do anything other than pass out on my bed. I'm into my second week of summer classes full-time and am already behind in homework. My boss does not promise a better schedule, maintaining late late hours and long, exhausting shifts.

The worst part is, I have no "me" time. That really sucks.

I am on the hunt for a new job, and I might have found one through my roommate that will be higher paying and seems to be more student friendly. Maybe I'll be able to set aside enough time to go get my furniture from Toledo and set up some order in my room.

Here's hoping. I cannot function like this.

La Dolce Vita (Italian: The Sweet Life)

"There should be beds in these computer labs. I'm always here. Other schools do that."

-Yours Truly, 4/11/08

The second quarter has begun with more urgency than the first. I had enough transfer credits from my degree and an impressive enough portfolio to skip over a year of coursework. Wow. I kind of knew that would happen, but experiencing the jump from last quarter's foundation classes was my reality check. I don't recall feeling a sense of accomplishment such as this, nor feeling so ready for the challenge I am currently facing.

I am taking computer courses this round, learning Photoshop CS3, the art of typography in Illustrator, and taking a survey class that will give me a taste of graphic design, media arts, and animation. I am training myself outside of class to ensure that I learn these tools (and others) well so that I don't rely on the instructors to touch on everything that could make me a valuable animator...cuz they won't. I talk to the people who will be at the finish line in order to find out what I need to work on by then. I want to be ahead of the game, and from what I've read in the success stories coming out of this school, doing everything you can to get ahead is the only way to fly. I spend a lot of time in the computer lab and talking to the people around here. I am exhausted at the end of each day, but it's a good feeling.

Last night, I attended an annual event called FAME (Fashion and Media Extravaganza), which "is a compilation of top student design and media work from The Illinois Institute of Art – Chicago, featuring high fashion to quirky independent short films and animations." (www.artinstitutes.edu) There was a feature model for the fashion show, Heather Kuzmich from ‘America’s Next Top Model’. A recent graduate, Kristin Rosynek Hassan debuted her new ‘organiK revolution’ clothing line, as a member of the Chicago Fashion Incubator at Macy’s. NBC 5’s Art Norman served as emcee for the media show and encouraged everyone to tune in at 10:00pm to watch the coverage. (I was actually in the elevator with that guy before the show, ha!) This event is a pretty big deal, and the common view is that any student from this school is stupid not to show up. I can see why. I was so psyched after the media arts half of the show, knowing that I was watching the best and also knowing how much work must have gone into each feature. I know where that line of success is now, and I am aiming beyond it.

The fashion show was amazing as well, to my surprise. I've been so turned off to fashion and fashion shows for various reasons, from the plastic personalities of the emcees to the badly designed sets and choice of music, and the fact that most of the stuff out there just shows too much skin. I just saw no class...until last night. "This is undiscovered talent we're seeing tonight," said Art Norman in his introduction to the event. Yes, I saw proof of that through and through, with this set, the choice of music, the clothes and creativity and CLASS! Every model looked wonderfully dignified in each dress or ensemble they displayed. I was so impressed and I enjoyed every minute of it. I especially enjoyed viewing the "wearable art" when a model walked out in a dress that made her look like a giant red carnation with a head, arms, and legs. Hehehe! Well done though!

I shared this experience with two new friends. That's right, local FRIENDS. I finally had a wonderful time attending a great event with people who are nice, smart, and already accept me for who I am, even if we're just starting to get to know each other.

Thank you God. I was getting pretty lonely.

Consequences

So, in my first quarter of art school, I discovered that the consequence of a job well done is that your professor ends up holding your pieces hostage because they don't want to give them back to you and/or they're using them in a faculty rating system until the second week of the next quarter. This is why my portfolio photo album has not been updated.

I am flattered, yet slightly annoyed because I have no photograph of them, thus no evidence that I completed them, in case something happens. The professor and I compromised and agreed that they would photograph my pieces and email them to me so that I can at least have that security.

I'm not used to such a level of appreciation. Feels odd, in a good way.

Awakening

I realized lately that I have a bad attitude based on a majority of the people in this society. Most of the people I come into contact with spend a majority of their time watching T.V., talking on the phone with no real aim, text messaging, shopping for really expensive stylish things, obsessing over having the latest whatever, or sleeping. These same people complain a lot. They complain they have no time and that they don't know what they want to do with their lives. They complain that there's nothing to do when the electricity goes out, that they're freezing their butts off when their stylish clothes don't keep them warm at all, that their feet hurt from the heeled boots and shoes they wear all the time, and that they're broke - yet they won't get a job and they won't spend their money (sometimes borrowed money) on things that matter, like healthy food. Yeah. They complain that they're hungry or tired all the time, yet they don't see that what they eat on a daily basis has almost no nutritional value and is usually more expensive because it comes in single-serving packages, which create more garbage than a single person should reasonably produce.

Most people seem so germophobic that it's pretty much backfiring on themselves and the environment. They own an insane amount of clothing and towels because they don't think they can wear something more than once nor wipe clean water off their bodies and reuse the towel after it's dry - dude, that's a lot of laundry. They use the most toxic chemicals in large quantities to clean with that cost so much - vinegar and lemon juice are so awesome for cleaning and freshening the air...and they're cheap and non-toxic! The word "reusable" is almost unheard of. Everything seems to be disposable and so many people seem to be drawn into it. How about washable cleaning cloths, reusable containers, lunch boxes, ceramic dishes, silverware, a Brita for purified water? What a waste of money and resources! Oh, and in contrast these people don't clean up after themselves. They litter, leave crumbs or garbage where they've just eaten or made food, leave dirt trails when they could've wiped their feet or removed their shoes. They also don't seem to know what creates mildew - they only know how to kill it. Try letting things dry properly, people.

I go to school with people who live this way, and their work ethic is usually analogous to their living habits. Their efforts in school consist of going to class and maybe being on time, scrambling at the last minute to get an assignment done because it wasn't important enough to start early. They don't even think about doing extracurricular work, nor attending any clubs or events relating to their major or industry. Yet they think they're somehow going to make it big. And if they don't make it big, they think it's the school's fault or bad luck. Get off your butt and want this, people! If you don't want it badly enough to do it in your free time, why are you bothering? I could see this as lack of competition though and know that working my butt off the way that I am is going to pretty much guarantee success in my industry. I just find it so hard to watch others waste time and money.

*sigh*

I feel so alone. I feel like the worst person in the world for letting these things get to me, letting them literally ruin my morning, afternoon, evening...day, and for harboring something that could turn into resentment toward a lot of people I don't even know. I feel like I have this "greater than thou" attitude brewing that I don't want. I am not better than others, I know that. I just don't understand the logic in living the way they do. I'm on an entirely different plane. I think a lot of it comes from spending the past couple years and especially the past six months working on myself and my life, busting my butt for betterment. I realized there were ways I could live healthier and remove the irritants that were bothering my sinuses and skin. I realized I could save a ton of money while eating more simply/healthily, making my own skin-friendly laundry detergent, and owning reusable things. I also realized that there were a lot of things around me that just plain didn't matter in the long run even if the pressure from the media argued otherwise. What matters most is my health, my spirituality, my family, and what I can contribute to the world. I also realized that when I am unhappy about something, I need to find a solution and take action and that's the end of it. If I don't know something, I look for the answer. What's the use in complaining? If I tell others about a problem, it's because I think they might be able to help me solve it.

*sigh*

It seems that the more I better myself, the more I am tested to tolerate those who haven't bothered or don't see the point. This is most difficult, and I wonder if it's a problem I'll be able to overcome. I certainly hope so because this frustration cannot be good for my soul. The way others choose to live their lives is not my load to bear, even if I have to share their space and sometimes walk in their wake. Please God, help me to let go.

Through the Looking Glass

Today was the first day of the Baha'i fasting period, which lasts for nineteen days from March 2nd through March 20. March 21st marks the Baha'i New Year and the end of The Fast.

The first day of the Fast, for me, was not picture perfect. I did not wake before dawn to pray and eat, as was my intent. I have been suffering from insomnia for the past month and last night was no exception. I did not fall asleep until about 3:00am and somehow I missed the 5:00am alarm. I am guessing my subconscious mind realized I had only been sleeping for two hours and thought, "forget it."

When I did wake at 9:47am, I was disappointed, but went along with the day as I had planned. I ate and prayed, then readied myself to travel by train to the Baha'i House of Worship in Wilmette. My friend Jeremy sings with the choir on Sundays, and I both desired to hear the choir and see him. I have not figured out how to be punctual with this public transit system, especially long distance. Unfortunately, the train route has been under construction, and there were extra delays today, making me miss the performance. (I haven't made to one yet). When I called Jeremy to see if he was still there, I found he had stayed home sick. So, I arrived at the temple and ascended the steps, found a seat inside, and began to pray.

It's a wonderful place to be, that temple. The energy inside and around it is indescribable. The peace my heart feels is something I've tried to mimic in my daily life. I am discovering that prayer is one of the ways to accomplish this. I am not sure how long I stayed in the temple today, but I realized quite a few things as I meditated.

I need prayer like I need food. That is one of the messages fasting is known to send, and I am truly receiving it. I don't know how I've survived with so little daily spiritual nourishment up to this point. I also need to nourish my body better than I have. I have been exercising semi-regularly and dabbling in nutritional research, but I think I should kick my devotion up a notch. Physical health is not just a good idea, it's imperative.

Two books I've picked up for nutritional reading that I've found most intriguing:

Fit for Life, by Harvey and Marilyn Diamond
I'll have the Fruit & Grains Please! by Victoria Leith

So, already I am benefiting from this time of reflection and restraint. I am looking forward to the next eighteen days. :)

The Test

“Nothing succeeds like excess.”

- Oscar Wilde

My life is going to change. Yes, I know it's changed already since I relocated to Chicago and began a completely different career path than anyone but me expected. However, the field of animation requires a certain adjustment in attitude and dedication.

I have been at this art institute for a little over a month and have learned consistently that in order to succeed in animation, one must work their butt off. Yes, everyone knows this...but what does it actually mean? It means I need to want this more than anyone else in this field, and I need to act like it. I need to stay up until 3:00am working on my assignments, a concept or personal drawing. It means I need to tell my friends that I'm busy and tell that lazy voice in my head that I can't spend hours bumming around tonight or this morning because I need to practice my skills. I need to train myself to be an artist 24/7...yes of course, but what does THAT mean exactly? It means that I must, at all times, be either observing the world or drawing the things I've observed. When I'm sitting on the train, hanging out with friends, working at my job, etc., I must be looking at people's movements, the way light shines on objects, etc. and then I'll end up drawing some of those things because I have learned about them through observation. Being able to draw a multitude of things is essential in animation. The more an artist sees, the more of a palette they'll have to work from. On top of that, anything drawn for fantasy is best drawn from references. Fantasy is what is known, except that an artist has twisted the heck out of it. An animator is trying to make things appear on a screen that have never existed before, yet to make it believable, it must follow the laws of physics and the universe. This is why I was required to submit a portfolio to get into this program. I needed to be at a certain level of drawing skills, and I am expected to go much higher.

I've read quite a few success stories from this school of animators being hired full-time within six months of their graduation, and even some who were hired right after graduation. I've attended two workshops so far that have educated me on particular things these students did so that they shone the brightest. One of the workshops was this evening, lead by two alumni who were hired as soon as they graduated. If I am to get there, I must (and I do) want it badly enough to:

1.) Work hard...harder than I ever have before. I heard from somewhere that being an artist is like being an athlete or weight trainer. In order to achieve higher levels of performance, one must train daily but also push themselves constantly. If it's becoming difficult, push past the pain and the exhaustion, and the person will find themselves advancing to higher levels each time they train. Just because you make it to the Olympics doesn't mean you sit back and chill because you're the best. It means now you have to compete at an Olympic level. It never stops if you want to continue bettering yourself in anything.

2.) Be dedicated to the highest degree. I'd better be working. I'd better want it. I need to be a soldier. This is important. Sometimes I'll have to turn down spending time with friends or even going to bed at a reasonable hour. I'm going to be busy...a lot. I'm going to learn to manage my time such that I can work this hard, have a job to pay the bills, and have the balance of rest and recreation in there so that I can still think. It may be three hours of sleep at a time, but I will find a way to make it work. One of the alumni attested to working a full-time job, going to school full-time, having a full-time girlfriend and sleeping four hours at a time. And yes, he's with the same girl still. It can be done. It's the power of mastering time-management.

3.) Step out of the comfort zone and just do whatever I need to do. If I don't know how to do something, learn it. One of the alumni told a story of how in his new job, he was approached about designing a magazine cover in MS Illustrator and had the afternoon to complete it. He had never used Illustrator and had never worked on such a project before. However, you never want to say "no" in this situation, or you'll be gone on the spot. It's the truth. So, he had to learn Illustrator in record time and design the magazine cover. Sometimes they just throw you in and say "swim". This is the kind of industry I'm getting into.

Fortunately, all this hard work does pay off. Eventually it becomes a lifestyle with some flow and obtains more normalcy. When you get a full-time job in animation, you can have a significant other, get some sleep, and have a life outside of workplace. For instance, one of the alumni talked of how his company that gives their employees free massages and sometimes two hours lunches. This could all happen on a day when they only work from 10:00am - 4:00pm. Meanwhile, he's getting paid to make things move, play games (he's a game art animator), and draw, amongst other things. Now, the whole time the employees are working, it's intense and they're working their asses off...but they're doing what they love and it's FUN for them because it's ever-changing and challenging. There's always something to figure out and learn. It's a great thing to aim for and something worth working my hardest for.

Bring it.

Full of Love

So, I sprained my foot 1.5 weeks ago, and I don't mean to whine, but grr it's been a pain!...In more ways than the obvious one!

So, I have been housebound for the past 1.5 weeks except when I have had to get to my classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays (an adventure in itself). I am using a cane to take the weight off, yet allow me to test how my foot is doing by "accidentally" putting some weight on it occasionally. When I'm in my apartment, I'm elevating and icing my foot while trying to keep myself occupied. Boring. Very boring. I am not a homebody.

Today, I realized I had eaten the same foods four days in a row. I needed to buy some more food to mix it up a little, even just to add an ingredient to one of the dishes. Sadly, I then realized I only had one option, and that was to hobble down to the grocery store on the first floor of this building. It's reeeeeeeeeeally expensive down there, but the more I thought about going to my usual grocery store down the street, the more I knew it wouldn't work. I happened to be talking to a friend from back in Ohio when I thought of this, and I mentioned it to him just thinking out loud. He then did the sweetest thing for me. He offered to order me a pizza online. He insisted. I couldn't refuse. So, I chose my pizza: the Super Taco Pizza (rowr!), and he threw a cheesecake in there for me because he knows I love that stuff. Ohhhh how I love cheesecake.

I finished half the pizza and the entire slice of cheesecake. I was full of delicious food and very happy. What a wonderful thing to do for someone. I will remember this and do the same for someone else. It truly made my week.

Detournement

The past few weeks have been so busy for me that my intention to write an entry has been consistently pushed to the bottom of my to-do list. I apologize if anyone was checking regularly for a new post only to be disappointed.

First off, I've made it to Chicago!!! I'm going to art school and I am SO HAPPY! Things just fell into place and it all happened so quickly and so close together that my head seemed to be constantly spinning. Oh wow, I am so happy this worked out!

The transition from Toledo to Chicago has been quite a ride. It’s funny how it doesn’t feel tumultuous on a daily basis, but when I look back, I realize just how busy I have been, even just mentally.

Chicago is shaping up to be the perfect place for me at this time of my life. I do miss the advantage of having a neighboring region as open and green as Holland, OH, where I can enjoy the open skies and beautiful stretches of farmland on occasion. Being in downtown Chicago, there’s not much empty space and not much green, but I know when the weather warms up, I’ll be seeking bus routes to take me to metro parks such as the gigantic Chicago Botanical Gardens northwest of here. Don’t get me wrong, I love the city. I love being able to look at this awesome architecture on a daily basis and feel the energy of all the people here. It’s almost as if I’m in a whirl-wind of dreams, with everyone striving to achieve them in the same place. The attitude in this city is actually quite positive. I find that a lot of people here are good-hearted, helpful, and willing to make a joke or chat while waiting for a bus or train. Meanwhile, we’re all making caution a habit without letting it get in the way of making connections with each other. It’s very cool. Hehe.

I had to move into an apartment sponsored by the school because the loan they gave me required I live in their housing until at least June. I’m sharing a studio apartment with a roommate and it has made me realize just how valuable having my own room is. In Toledo, I had a whole apartment to myself. Here, I have only a bed, a desk, a dresser, and a closet to call my own…and actually those came with the apartment, so they are not actually mine. The rest of the space, I am sharing with my roommate in one way or another. We are even sharing a single Ethernet cable for our internet, so we have to switch back and forth, depending on who needs it. Living in such close quarters with another person is quite a lesson in compromise.

I love school so far and though it’s been difficult to meet people, I am having a wonderful time. I do not hesitate to talk to my classmates, nor to ask any faculty/staff members for advice. I met a senior in my major (Animation/Media Arts) and he gave me advice that he wishes he had received when he was a sophomore. There’s an animation software program I’ll be using eventually, and I can actually begin learning it now. Each computer lab in our school has a tutorial for this program on their computers, and so if I can just familiarize myself with the software ahead of time, I’ll have a real edge when I finally need to use it. Another piece of advice was to hang out on the 2nd floor at the school as much as possible because it is the floor primarily for Animation classes, etc. I will more than likely meet other animators there, faculty members, and maybe hear of tech jobs opening up when people graduate. A job in the school, even being a tech for audio/visual equipment is a great opportunity for networking and references. Hehe.

The city itself is amazing, as I knew it would be. I love the public transportation, especially the train. I can get across the city and even visit the few friends I know who live almost an hour away, as long as I’m willing to walk a small distance from the train station when I arrive in their neighborhood. I currently live a block away from the Union Station which houses the Mega Buses, which can take me to Toledo, Cleveland, Minneapolis and many other cities for just $15.00 round trip, with just a couple weeks notice. I live even less than a block away from the Metra train station, which can take me to even more cities in this country. So, basically, it is true that you do not need a car when you live in Chicago…as long as you live fairly close to a train or bus stop. How wonderful!

A couple weeks ago, I finally got into contact with the Chicago Baha'i community and was able to attend a prayer devotional meeting Monday evening. It took me about twenty minutes to get to the place on the train, but so far I enjoy the train rides very much and did not mind spending that time. Train rides give me time to knit or read/study. Hehe. It was wonderful to be at the devotional and to be gathered with people whom I knew would welcome me, whether they knew me or not. This was a great comfort to me since I was discouraged by not having made friends since moving here. With prayer and warm conversation added to the mix, I had a wonderful time. It sort of recharged my spirit so that I felt ready to take on the rest of the week and keep trying to meet more people at school.

So, basically, this was a very good idea.

I hope to post more entries soon because this particular one was just to update in general on how well things are going. Details are more fun. :)

Update in progress

Without intention, I've neglected to write a blog for a couple months. The latest is on its way. Please keep checking these next couple days!

Love,
Charlie