Si Vovieras A Mi

I am more than all this paper pushing, analying, accounting...selling...irrigation product. I am creative, artistic, extremely talented. I am intrigued with the way things work, the human body, machines and I'm good with numbers...just not all that interested. I have an impeccable memory, when I feel the need to remember...the details are insane. I love the sciences. I am an intellectual, but a particular kind which I cannot identify. I just know that I'm different. Everyone's different, actually. Not everyone attempts to discover this. I am being shown, as if I'd begun slipping into a coma of mediocrity, that I have the ability to become what I dream of...and more.

These past years have helped me grow spiritually in ways I cannot describe verbally. Maybe in a painting, or a song. I've witnessed small miracles of nature, of character in my friends and loved ones. I've seen epiphanies reached in those around me and within myself. We are supporting each other and climbing heights together. Thank God for all that I have witnessed. I've become a Reiki healer, which required an attunement that is a simple ceremony to open me up as a channel for divine healing/energy. I can help...I have been granted a gift, a privelage such as this. It feels wonderful to serve people in this way. I am growing into something I admired.

I've grown in character as well...I've found myself. The fundamental self, seperate from the roles I've taken on and the demands they carry. Self-awareness and identity are so precious. I cannot believe I'd forgotten who I am, yet I knew I was always searching. Now that I'm discovering myself, I am empowered. I feel likened to a blinding rainbow of colors bursting from this body. I am so much more...and my soul quivers with excitement.

I will be a great intellectual artist, carving a path of wonder and inspiration to others. I am something amazing and I am being encouraged (pretty much forcefully) to show it and live it. The things/people that have held me back or distracted me have been taken away for the time being...sadly. It seemed to be the only way to get me to focus...sadly. Seeing as I've been knocked over the head with a hammer (when all else failed), I will heed the message and rise above my doubts to pursue my dreams. Maybe some of what has been taken will return after I fulfull this calling...it would be lovely. The future looks so bright, however, I think I'll be ok regardless.

Wish upon a star

doing alright
been dressing very "me" lately
and I like that
at work, I dress how my employer wants
then I come home and put all my earrings back in and my "me" clothes on
this is why I don't belong in this type of work

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I think in motion. I need music to be inspired artistically. Music is motion. Thought is motion. Animation is most likely the best way for me to express my ideas.

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I am a genius

Rainbow

The sky has fallen, and I am still alive. Though I'm confident in my ability handle such tragedy as had befallen these past months, I must attribute praise to God for holding me upright when I felt like crumbling. It's like the dream I had about walking through a dark forest. Though I could not see ahead of me and was discouraged with the lack of sunlight, I kept putting one foot in front of the other without pause. Eventually, the branches thinned above me and the sun peeked through while I ventured on to arrive at a clearing bathed in sunlight. My destination. My reward. My joy.

It's a difficult thing to move on from a broken heart when there is undoubtedly unfinished business. I've had to create my own form of closure so that I can pick up and move forward. There will be a discussion between us in the future, I think, and I am looking forward to that. I would love to have a healthy relationship with him, for once. However, I cannot wait around. I need to live now.

Ever since the healing process began, I've yearned to study art again. I have so many ideas in my head, but I find it difficult to put them on paper. It's not that I am incapable of expressing my thoughts. Just a couple weeks ago I sketched my frustration in a matter of seconds, and the release was indescribable. I lack vision of my audience, and focus of talent. What I need is to go back to school. I want to learn more specialized forms of artwork, and lately the area of animation has been most appealing. The excitement I feel and the yearning to create such expressions when I look through comic books or view a simple or complex animation tells me there's some real interest inside me. I've begun exploring the field and so far, I am hopeful. I'm interested in learning the technology and combining the science of motion with the art of expression and realism...or even surrealism. My upbringing and continued education have molded me into a creative mutt. I find that I'm addicted to both science and art, as I've tried both, and enjoyed both. Though I've discovered my heart favors art more, the idea of combining the two interests quickens my blood.

So, out of the rubble springs momentum to achieve my dreams and fill the hole in my heart. I'm researching art schools in the Midwest/Eastern region to see if there's a fit. This is my future, dammit. I'm excited. I'm on the move!

A New Autumn

I love this season so much, though it's been stained with negative events for about eight years past. Each autumn, it seems, I'm trying to grow from a failed relationship of some type. Not exactly pleasant, but it seems perfectly relavent to the changes of the earth itself. Some seeds are sown in the Spring, flourish in the Summer and die in the Autumn. If a plant is strong enough, it will rise again the following Spring with new growth, though basically the same plant.

This year marks the "death" of quite a few things. I'm discarding my masks and revealing my true self. The potential that's been harbored inside is more than ready for release. For far too long, I've been living according to the preferences or others' and this has built upon me a guise I cannot stand. This is a change that has required much preparation. The tests I've faced recently and those to come are terrible and wonderous.