Allow me to briefly express my regret for the years of artistic starvation I've subjected myself to. I got so wrapped up in the belief that as long as I made enough money, I'd be happy. My biggest mistake was to halt all creation of artwork. My tools gathered dust and so did that section of my brain. Currently, I am at least incorporating art into a small portion of my life and redeveloping my talent through a college drawing class. However, it's not enough. I am still hungry...for time, for energy, for freedom of mind. I have fallen behind in art and I want to knock some socks off, but as I am relearning to walk I drag a ball and chain from my ankle.
My situation is frustrating. I got a full-time job to fulfill my financial demands. Unfortunately, said job is plainly eating my soul. This description comes across as extreme, yet the job requires 100% of my attention for the 8 hours I am there, and 0% of me. If my thoughts deviate from my work, I make mistakes and any mistake is intolerable. Simply, half my day is spent doing something I don't care about or enjoy, with no room for relief until I get home in the evening.
My spiritual livelihood is creativity, emotional expression, and artwork. My mind can't help but travel outside the office realm to something much more interesting. It becomes a catch 22, as the desire to think about what I love jeopardizes my job and my job jeopardizes the ease of creative thought. Ultimately, I need to get out of this job and find something simpler that pays the bills and lets me periodically be me. I feel dead there, and as soon as I step out of the office, it's like someone's breathed life into me again. It takes a bit of time to remember who I am and what I'd like to do with the few remaining hours of the day before I must sleep and start another day of work. I am sickened by this waste. I must find a way out, and it must be as soon as next month. I am gasping for air. It's just a matter of time before I lose my mind.
