So, I've had a bit of a writer's block lately. It's more like a traffic jam of thoughts, all of them wanting to get to the front of the line yet preventing all from actually succeeding. I'm going to randomly point and choose a thought, hoping to form some kind of train. The others will have to either cooperate and form a single file line, or be kicked off the track for misbehaviour. I'm a visual person, obviously.
I cannot really say I'm at a turning point in my life because I've felt that it's been a gradual turn for about the past year. The turn is a sharp one, but the speed at which I've traveled thus far has been slow enough to keep me from wiping out.
I still work at the same job in the same town while living in the same apartment, all factors still capable of draining the vigor of my soul. However, changing these was unnecessary in order to change things within myself. I have risen above the negativity and realized this is all temporary. I will not stay in this location, nor in this career. I stopped letting such things define me.
I've begun to paint. Oh yes, a most glorious experience. I have missed this, the place I melt into when I quiet my mind and just let my talent run free. My painting style is a combination of music and dance. I immerse myself in music, blasting it through headphones as I move to the beat and begin to feel. I choose colors without hesitation and put little thought into their placement on the canvas. I have dancing interludes when the rhythm overwhelms me, and then I delve back into the painting. This is not a sitting activity for me. I love it, and it shows.
I am remembering what it is to be an artist. It really is a lifestyle. It bleeds into every part of my life, whether I realize it or not. When I stopped drawing for an extended time, I began to knit and sew. The clothes I've worn are not at all in fashion, but they combine texture and colors that I believe are intriguing. I decorated my apartment in my own fashion, purposefully mis-matching items to create variety of texture and a myriad of colors in a room. Each color of the spectrum and its hues will implant a certain mood in a person, green being calm, red being aggressive, etc. Why not view them all at once, and choose? Maybe this is logical, maybe not, but it works for me. I think my touch is beautiful.
I am living and enjoying life as much as I can, and the key to life really is balance. I have a poster on my wall of an elephant standing on a beach ball with the words "The Key to Life is Balance" below. I have had this poster for years, but never truly grasped its truth. Finally, thank God, I have.
I know myself on a much deeper level than before. I know what I like and what I don't and what is important to me. I know what I can handle already and am willing to stake out new territories of experience. I am willing to FEEL, because it is life I seek in all its forms. I know now that hard times are so good for me and the good times are that much better.
How many people reach this plane? I feel out of place amongst a majority of people, yet I can move about somewhat fluidly. At work, my co-workers seem to treat me with curiosity. I will not stay with them. To be blunt, they seem to already be dead, settling for a job to pay the bills while spending their free time recovering from the exhaustion it brings. They dream of possessions and seeing the latest movies. I dream of new planes of thought, new projects and places to see, new books, new people to meet and heightened spiritual experiences. I dream of LIFE itself. Even my physical self expresses this in its extreme sensitivity to its environment. A blessing and a curse, I can feel, see, smell, taste, and hear so deeply and clearly that even a description seems to throw me into a pseudo-experience. It's crazy.
I feel so free and open to the future.
Unlimited.
Wonderful.
Allah'u'abha!
