Saturation

So, I've had a bit of a writer's block lately. It's more like a traffic jam of thoughts, all of them wanting to get to the front of the line yet preventing all from actually succeeding. I'm going to randomly point and choose a thought, hoping to form some kind of train. The others will have to either cooperate and form a single file line, or be kicked off the track for misbehaviour. I'm a visual person, obviously.

I cannot really say I'm at a turning point in my life because I've felt that it's been a gradual turn for about the past year. The turn is a sharp one, but the speed at which I've traveled thus far has been slow enough to keep me from wiping out.

I still work at the same job in the same town while living in the same apartment, all factors still capable of draining the vigor of my soul. However, changing these was unnecessary in order to change things within myself. I have risen above the negativity and realized this is all temporary. I will not stay in this location, nor in this career. I stopped letting such things define me.

I've begun to paint. Oh yes, a most glorious experience. I have missed this, the place I melt into when I quiet my mind and just let my talent run free. My painting style is a combination of music and dance. I immerse myself in music, blasting it through headphones as I move to the beat and begin to feel. I choose colors without hesitation and put little thought into their placement on the canvas. I have dancing interludes when the rhythm overwhelms me, and then I delve back into the painting. This is not a sitting activity for me. I love it, and it shows.

I am remembering what it is to be an artist. It really is a lifestyle. It bleeds into every part of my life, whether I realize it or not. When I stopped drawing for an extended time, I began to knit and sew. The clothes I've worn are not at all in fashion, but they combine texture and colors that I believe are intriguing. I decorated my apartment in my own fashion, purposefully mis-matching items to create variety of texture and a myriad of colors in a room. Each color of the spectrum and its hues will implant a certain mood in a person, green being calm, red being aggressive, etc. Why not view them all at once, and choose? Maybe this is logical, maybe not, but it works for me. I think my touch is beautiful.

I am living and enjoying life as much as I can, and the key to life really is balance. I have a poster on my wall of an elephant standing on a beach ball with the words "The Key to Life is Balance" below. I have had this poster for years, but never truly grasped its truth. Finally, thank God, I have.

I know myself on a much deeper level than before. I know what I like and what I don't and what is important to me. I know what I can handle already and am willing to stake out new territories of experience. I am willing to FEEL, because it is life I seek in all its forms. I know now that hard times are so good for me and the good times are that much better.

How many people reach this plane? I feel out of place amongst a majority of people, yet I can move about somewhat fluidly. At work, my co-workers seem to treat me with curiosity. I will not stay with them. To be blunt, they seem to already be dead, settling for a job to pay the bills while spending their free time recovering from the exhaustion it brings. They dream of possessions and seeing the latest movies. I dream of new planes of thought, new projects and places to see, new books, new people to meet and heightened spiritual experiences. I dream of LIFE itself. Even my physical self expresses this in its extreme sensitivity to its environment. A blessing and a curse, I can feel, see, smell, taste, and hear so deeply and clearly that even a description seems to throw me into a pseudo-experience. It's crazy.

I feel so free and open to the future.
Unlimited.
Wonderful.

Allah'u'abha!

This is why I'm a Baha'i

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to make a pilgrimage to the Baha'i House of Worship in Wilmette, IL. My dear friend Sean and I spent 30 hours of our weekend on this little event...very brief for such a distance to travel, yet entirely worth it. Below is a photo I took and an expression I wrote of the evening of May 19, 2007. We arrived just as the sun was setting.

In a word, it was Love.



Warm wind
smells of lilac and rhododendron
budding roses
soft breeze
magic night
Tablet of Ahmad encircling the Mother Temple
glowing spots of light in the grass surrounding
reflecting pool, mirroring spirits
visitors laughing and pointing
so happy
so many

"The Light of good character surpasseth the light of the Sun"

Strolling slowly, stepping softly,
singing humbly:

"Oh God, my Adored One, my King, my Desire! What tongue can voice my thanks to Thee?"

Turning at the reflecting pool I saw the sun through the temple doors.
Welling up with joy
for the beauty, the magnetism
the light of the visitors.
The wonder and awe.
Ya Baha'u'llah- Abha!
Could not help but fall on my knees
and touch my forehead to the ground

A tour was given.
Tourists gazing upon us with smiles
and wonder
A group of children
hands folded or crossed
standing in front of the reflection pool
Tourists smiling, giggling, admiring.

Magic.

Flowers and foliage
allergic
tired, yet bouncy
Full.
Refreshed.


* Arabic: "O Glory of the All-Glorious"

Running Out of Air

Allow me to briefly express my regret for the years of artistic starvation I've subjected myself to. I got so wrapped up in the belief that as long as I made enough money, I'd be happy. My biggest mistake was to halt all creation of artwork. My tools gathered dust and so did that section of my brain. Currently, I am at least incorporating art into a small portion of my life and redeveloping my talent through a college drawing class. However, it's not enough. I am still hungry...for time, for energy, for freedom of mind. I have fallen behind in art and I want to knock some socks off, but as I am relearning to walk I drag a ball and chain from my ankle.

My situation is frustrating. I got a full-time job to fulfill my financial demands. Unfortunately, said job is plainly eating my soul. This description comes across as extreme, yet the job requires 100% of my attention for the 8 hours I am there, and 0% of me. If my thoughts deviate from my work, I make mistakes and any mistake is intolerable. Simply, half my day is spent doing something I don't care about or enjoy, with no room for relief until I get home in the evening.

My spiritual livelihood is creativity, emotional expression, and artwork. My mind can't help but travel outside the office realm to something much more interesting. It becomes a catch 22, as the desire to think about what I love jeopardizes my job and my job jeopardizes the ease of creative thought. Ultimately, I need to get out of this job and find something simpler that pays the bills and lets me periodically be me. I feel dead there, and as soon as I step out of the office, it's like someone's breathed life into me again. It takes a bit of time to remember who I am and what I'd like to do with the few remaining hours of the day before I must sleep and start another day of work. I am sickened by this waste. I must find a way out, and it must be as soon as next month. I am gasping for air. It's just a matter of time before I lose my mind.

Si Vovieras A Mi

I am more than all this paper pushing, analying, accounting...selling...irrigation product. I am creative, artistic, extremely talented. I am intrigued with the way things work, the human body, machines and I'm good with numbers...just not all that interested. I have an impeccable memory, when I feel the need to remember...the details are insane. I love the sciences. I am an intellectual, but a particular kind which I cannot identify. I just know that I'm different. Everyone's different, actually. Not everyone attempts to discover this. I am being shown, as if I'd begun slipping into a coma of mediocrity, that I have the ability to become what I dream of...and more.

These past years have helped me grow spiritually in ways I cannot describe verbally. Maybe in a painting, or a song. I've witnessed small miracles of nature, of character in my friends and loved ones. I've seen epiphanies reached in those around me and within myself. We are supporting each other and climbing heights together. Thank God for all that I have witnessed. I've become a Reiki healer, which required an attunement that is a simple ceremony to open me up as a channel for divine healing/energy. I can help...I have been granted a gift, a privelage such as this. It feels wonderful to serve people in this way. I am growing into something I admired.

I've grown in character as well...I've found myself. The fundamental self, seperate from the roles I've taken on and the demands they carry. Self-awareness and identity are so precious. I cannot believe I'd forgotten who I am, yet I knew I was always searching. Now that I'm discovering myself, I am empowered. I feel likened to a blinding rainbow of colors bursting from this body. I am so much more...and my soul quivers with excitement.

I will be a great intellectual artist, carving a path of wonder and inspiration to others. I am something amazing and I am being encouraged (pretty much forcefully) to show it and live it. The things/people that have held me back or distracted me have been taken away for the time being...sadly. It seemed to be the only way to get me to focus...sadly. Seeing as I've been knocked over the head with a hammer (when all else failed), I will heed the message and rise above my doubts to pursue my dreams. Maybe some of what has been taken will return after I fulfull this calling...it would be lovely. The future looks so bright, however, I think I'll be ok regardless.

Wish upon a star

doing alright
been dressing very "me" lately
and I like that
at work, I dress how my employer wants
then I come home and put all my earrings back in and my "me" clothes on
this is why I don't belong in this type of work

-----

I think in motion. I need music to be inspired artistically. Music is motion. Thought is motion. Animation is most likely the best way for me to express my ideas.

-----

I am a genius

Rainbow

The sky has fallen, and I am still alive. Though I'm confident in my ability handle such tragedy as had befallen these past months, I must attribute praise to God for holding me upright when I felt like crumbling. It's like the dream I had about walking through a dark forest. Though I could not see ahead of me and was discouraged with the lack of sunlight, I kept putting one foot in front of the other without pause. Eventually, the branches thinned above me and the sun peeked through while I ventured on to arrive at a clearing bathed in sunlight. My destination. My reward. My joy.

It's a difficult thing to move on from a broken heart when there is undoubtedly unfinished business. I've had to create my own form of closure so that I can pick up and move forward. There will be a discussion between us in the future, I think, and I am looking forward to that. I would love to have a healthy relationship with him, for once. However, I cannot wait around. I need to live now.

Ever since the healing process began, I've yearned to study art again. I have so many ideas in my head, but I find it difficult to put them on paper. It's not that I am incapable of expressing my thoughts. Just a couple weeks ago I sketched my frustration in a matter of seconds, and the release was indescribable. I lack vision of my audience, and focus of talent. What I need is to go back to school. I want to learn more specialized forms of artwork, and lately the area of animation has been most appealing. The excitement I feel and the yearning to create such expressions when I look through comic books or view a simple or complex animation tells me there's some real interest inside me. I've begun exploring the field and so far, I am hopeful. I'm interested in learning the technology and combining the science of motion with the art of expression and realism...or even surrealism. My upbringing and continued education have molded me into a creative mutt. I find that I'm addicted to both science and art, as I've tried both, and enjoyed both. Though I've discovered my heart favors art more, the idea of combining the two interests quickens my blood.

So, out of the rubble springs momentum to achieve my dreams and fill the hole in my heart. I'm researching art schools in the Midwest/Eastern region to see if there's a fit. This is my future, dammit. I'm excited. I'm on the move!

A New Autumn

I love this season so much, though it's been stained with negative events for about eight years past. Each autumn, it seems, I'm trying to grow from a failed relationship of some type. Not exactly pleasant, but it seems perfectly relavent to the changes of the earth itself. Some seeds are sown in the Spring, flourish in the Summer and die in the Autumn. If a plant is strong enough, it will rise again the following Spring with new growth, though basically the same plant.

This year marks the "death" of quite a few things. I'm discarding my masks and revealing my true self. The potential that's been harbored inside is more than ready for release. For far too long, I've been living according to the preferences or others' and this has built upon me a guise I cannot stand. This is a change that has required much preparation. The tests I've faced recently and those to come are terrible and wonderous.