Death Trap

Order and balance are essential in one's life and I feel it's a daily struggle to find and maintain both. Lately, I feel I've had neither. It's been this way for a couple months, though the source of imbalance and disorder has changed shape a few times.

Since my last post, I have moved out of student housing to a new apartment north of downtown, thanks to a successful roommate match through Craig's List. I have also acquired a job with an ice cream store, thanks to the wonderfully informative Career Services at my school. It feels good to have my own bedroom and an honest income.

Moving day was pretty hectic due to plans A and B falling through in regards to moving my stuff and plan C landing my stuff in the new apartment and me helping my friend move her stuff to Dayton, in hopes of me taking the truck to Toledo and bringing my furniture and other stored items here to Chicago. Unfortunately, time, money, and friends were not available to help move my stuff, so I had made the trip to Dayton in vain and had to return with an empty truck.

I have been sleeping on an air mattress for about three weeks with my things strewn about the room mostly still in boxes to keep some sort of order. Though I know the types of items that are in each box, I have trouble remembering exactly what individual items are contained. My "desk" is an upside down milk crate and my "bookshelves" are a stack of two milk crates with books heaped inside because there are too many to fit. I dream of my bed and my drawing table, both of which would make life much more comfortable and off the floor. My bookshelves would make my books readily available and help store other things I'd like to have visible and ready to use. I dream of selling all the furniture I have in storage and lightening my possessions, while relieving the obligation to pay for storing them.

Earlier this month, I had begun reading about feng shui and I must say it has made me think seriously about my environment and the way it can effect my mood, attitude, behaviour, and therefore my life. My room and belongings are in disarray, and well...so is my life, as of yet. Though a source of income, this store has become a vacuum of energy and time. I am working at an ice cream store that just opened up in a classy bar district on the west side. Last week I worked 50 hours, which included three 12 hour shifts. There were days we were so slammed busy, no one got a break nor a drink of water because if one second was lost in putting together orders, we would be backed up beyond repair. It's a physically trying job, to boot, and I come home so exhausted some nights (sometimes at 2:30am), I cannot think nor do anything other than pass out on my bed. I'm into my second week of summer classes full-time and am already behind in homework. My boss does not promise a better schedule, maintaining late late hours and long, exhausting shifts.

The worst part is, I have no "me" time. That really sucks.

I am on the hunt for a new job, and I might have found one through my roommate that will be higher paying and seems to be more student friendly. Maybe I'll be able to set aside enough time to go get my furniture from Toledo and set up some order in my room.

Here's hoping. I cannot function like this.

La Dolce Vita (Italian: The Sweet Life)

"There should be beds in these computer labs. I'm always here. Other schools do that."

-Yours Truly, 4/11/08

The second quarter has begun with more urgency than the first. I had enough transfer credits from my degree and an impressive enough portfolio to skip over a year of coursework. Wow. I kind of knew that would happen, but experiencing the jump from last quarter's foundation classes was my reality check. I don't recall feeling a sense of accomplishment such as this, nor feeling so ready for the challenge I am currently facing.

I am taking computer courses this round, learning Photoshop CS3, the art of typography in Illustrator, and taking a survey class that will give me a taste of graphic design, media arts, and animation. I am training myself outside of class to ensure that I learn these tools (and others) well so that I don't rely on the instructors to touch on everything that could make me a valuable animator...cuz they won't. I talk to the people who will be at the finish line in order to find out what I need to work on by then. I want to be ahead of the game, and from what I've read in the success stories coming out of this school, doing everything you can to get ahead is the only way to fly. I spend a lot of time in the computer lab and talking to the people around here. I am exhausted at the end of each day, but it's a good feeling.

Last night, I attended an annual event called FAME (Fashion and Media Extravaganza), which "is a compilation of top student design and media work from The Illinois Institute of Art – Chicago, featuring high fashion to quirky independent short films and animations." (www.artinstitutes.edu) There was a feature model for the fashion show, Heather Kuzmich from ‘America’s Next Top Model’. A recent graduate, Kristin Rosynek Hassan debuted her new ‘organiK revolution’ clothing line, as a member of the Chicago Fashion Incubator at Macy’s. NBC 5’s Art Norman served as emcee for the media show and encouraged everyone to tune in at 10:00pm to watch the coverage. (I was actually in the elevator with that guy before the show, ha!) This event is a pretty big deal, and the common view is that any student from this school is stupid not to show up. I can see why. I was so psyched after the media arts half of the show, knowing that I was watching the best and also knowing how much work must have gone into each feature. I know where that line of success is now, and I am aiming beyond it.

The fashion show was amazing as well, to my surprise. I've been so turned off to fashion and fashion shows for various reasons, from the plastic personalities of the emcees to the badly designed sets and choice of music, and the fact that most of the stuff out there just shows too much skin. I just saw no class...until last night. "This is undiscovered talent we're seeing tonight," said Art Norman in his introduction to the event. Yes, I saw proof of that through and through, with this set, the choice of music, the clothes and creativity and CLASS! Every model looked wonderfully dignified in each dress or ensemble they displayed. I was so impressed and I enjoyed every minute of it. I especially enjoyed viewing the "wearable art" when a model walked out in a dress that made her look like a giant red carnation with a head, arms, and legs. Hehehe! Well done though!

I shared this experience with two new friends. That's right, local FRIENDS. I finally had a wonderful time attending a great event with people who are nice, smart, and already accept me for who I am, even if we're just starting to get to know each other.

Thank you God. I was getting pretty lonely.

Consequences

So, in my first quarter of art school, I discovered that the consequence of a job well done is that your professor ends up holding your pieces hostage because they don't want to give them back to you and/or they're using them in a faculty rating system until the second week of the next quarter. This is why my portfolio photo album has not been updated.

I am flattered, yet slightly annoyed because I have no photograph of them, thus no evidence that I completed them, in case something happens. The professor and I compromised and agreed that they would photograph my pieces and email them to me so that I can at least have that security.

I'm not used to such a level of appreciation. Feels odd, in a good way.

Awakening

I realized lately that I have a bad attitude based on a majority of the people in this society. Most of the people I come into contact with spend a majority of their time watching T.V., talking on the phone with no real aim, text messaging, shopping for really expensive stylish things, obsessing over having the latest whatever, or sleeping. These same people complain a lot. They complain they have no time and that they don't know what they want to do with their lives. They complain that there's nothing to do when the electricity goes out, that they're freezing their butts off when their stylish clothes don't keep them warm at all, that their feet hurt from the heeled boots and shoes they wear all the time, and that they're broke - yet they won't get a job and they won't spend their money (sometimes borrowed money) on things that matter, like healthy food. Yeah. They complain that they're hungry or tired all the time, yet they don't see that what they eat on a daily basis has almost no nutritional value and is usually more expensive because it comes in single-serving packages, which create more garbage than a single person should reasonably produce.

Most people seem so germophobic that it's pretty much backfiring on themselves and the environment. They own an insane amount of clothing and towels because they don't think they can wear something more than once nor wipe clean water off their bodies and reuse the towel after it's dry - dude, that's a lot of laundry. They use the most toxic chemicals in large quantities to clean with that cost so much - vinegar and lemon juice are so awesome for cleaning and freshening the air...and they're cheap and non-toxic! The word "reusable" is almost unheard of. Everything seems to be disposable and so many people seem to be drawn into it. How about washable cleaning cloths, reusable containers, lunch boxes, ceramic dishes, silverware, a Brita for purified water? What a waste of money and resources! Oh, and in contrast these people don't clean up after themselves. They litter, leave crumbs or garbage where they've just eaten or made food, leave dirt trails when they could've wiped their feet or removed their shoes. They also don't seem to know what creates mildew - they only know how to kill it. Try letting things dry properly, people.

I go to school with people who live this way, and their work ethic is usually analogous to their living habits. Their efforts in school consist of going to class and maybe being on time, scrambling at the last minute to get an assignment done because it wasn't important enough to start early. They don't even think about doing extracurricular work, nor attending any clubs or events relating to their major or industry. Yet they think they're somehow going to make it big. And if they don't make it big, they think it's the school's fault or bad luck. Get off your butt and want this, people! If you don't want it badly enough to do it in your free time, why are you bothering? I could see this as lack of competition though and know that working my butt off the way that I am is going to pretty much guarantee success in my industry. I just find it so hard to watch others waste time and money.

*sigh*

I feel so alone. I feel like the worst person in the world for letting these things get to me, letting them literally ruin my morning, afternoon, evening...day, and for harboring something that could turn into resentment toward a lot of people I don't even know. I feel like I have this "greater than thou" attitude brewing that I don't want. I am not better than others, I know that. I just don't understand the logic in living the way they do. I'm on an entirely different plane. I think a lot of it comes from spending the past couple years and especially the past six months working on myself and my life, busting my butt for betterment. I realized there were ways I could live healthier and remove the irritants that were bothering my sinuses and skin. I realized I could save a ton of money while eating more simply/healthily, making my own skin-friendly laundry detergent, and owning reusable things. I also realized that there were a lot of things around me that just plain didn't matter in the long run even if the pressure from the media argued otherwise. What matters most is my health, my spirituality, my family, and what I can contribute to the world. I also realized that when I am unhappy about something, I need to find a solution and take action and that's the end of it. If I don't know something, I look for the answer. What's the use in complaining? If I tell others about a problem, it's because I think they might be able to help me solve it.

*sigh*

It seems that the more I better myself, the more I am tested to tolerate those who haven't bothered or don't see the point. This is most difficult, and I wonder if it's a problem I'll be able to overcome. I certainly hope so because this frustration cannot be good for my soul. The way others choose to live their lives is not my load to bear, even if I have to share their space and sometimes walk in their wake. Please God, help me to let go.

Through the Looking Glass

Today was the first day of the Baha'i fasting period, which lasts for nineteen days from March 2nd through March 20. March 21st marks the Baha'i New Year and the end of The Fast.

The first day of the Fast, for me, was not picture perfect. I did not wake before dawn to pray and eat, as was my intent. I have been suffering from insomnia for the past month and last night was no exception. I did not fall asleep until about 3:00am and somehow I missed the 5:00am alarm. I am guessing my subconscious mind realized I had only been sleeping for two hours and thought, "forget it."

When I did wake at 9:47am, I was disappointed, but went along with the day as I had planned. I ate and prayed, then readied myself to travel by train to the Baha'i House of Worship in Wilmette. My friend Jeremy sings with the choir on Sundays, and I both desired to hear the choir and see him. I have not figured out how to be punctual with this public transit system, especially long distance. Unfortunately, the train route has been under construction, and there were extra delays today, making me miss the performance. (I haven't made to one yet). When I called Jeremy to see if he was still there, I found he had stayed home sick. So, I arrived at the temple and ascended the steps, found a seat inside, and began to pray.

It's a wonderful place to be, that temple. The energy inside and around it is indescribable. The peace my heart feels is something I've tried to mimic in my daily life. I am discovering that prayer is one of the ways to accomplish this. I am not sure how long I stayed in the temple today, but I realized quite a few things as I meditated.

I need prayer like I need food. That is one of the messages fasting is known to send, and I am truly receiving it. I don't know how I've survived with so little daily spiritual nourishment up to this point. I also need to nourish my body better than I have. I have been exercising semi-regularly and dabbling in nutritional research, but I think I should kick my devotion up a notch. Physical health is not just a good idea, it's imperative.

Two books I've picked up for nutritional reading that I've found most intriguing:

Fit for Life, by Harvey and Marilyn Diamond
I'll have the Fruit & Grains Please! by Victoria Leith

So, already I am benefiting from this time of reflection and restraint. I am looking forward to the next eighteen days. :)

The Test

“Nothing succeeds like excess.”

- Oscar Wilde

My life is going to change. Yes, I know it's changed already since I relocated to Chicago and began a completely different career path than anyone but me expected. However, the field of animation requires a certain adjustment in attitude and dedication.

I have been at this art institute for a little over a month and have learned consistently that in order to succeed in animation, one must work their butt off. Yes, everyone knows this...but what does it actually mean? It means I need to want this more than anyone else in this field, and I need to act like it. I need to stay up until 3:00am working on my assignments, a concept or personal drawing. It means I need to tell my friends that I'm busy and tell that lazy voice in my head that I can't spend hours bumming around tonight or this morning because I need to practice my skills. I need to train myself to be an artist 24/7...yes of course, but what does THAT mean exactly? It means that I must, at all times, be either observing the world or drawing the things I've observed. When I'm sitting on the train, hanging out with friends, working at my job, etc., I must be looking at people's movements, the way light shines on objects, etc. and then I'll end up drawing some of those things because I have learned about them through observation. Being able to draw a multitude of things is essential in animation. The more an artist sees, the more of a palette they'll have to work from. On top of that, anything drawn for fantasy is best drawn from references. Fantasy is what is known, except that an artist has twisted the heck out of it. An animator is trying to make things appear on a screen that have never existed before, yet to make it believable, it must follow the laws of physics and the universe. This is why I was required to submit a portfolio to get into this program. I needed to be at a certain level of drawing skills, and I am expected to go much higher.

I've read quite a few success stories from this school of animators being hired full-time within six months of their graduation, and even some who were hired right after graduation. I've attended two workshops so far that have educated me on particular things these students did so that they shone the brightest. One of the workshops was this evening, lead by two alumni who were hired as soon as they graduated. If I am to get there, I must (and I do) want it badly enough to:

1.) Work hard...harder than I ever have before. I heard from somewhere that being an artist is like being an athlete or weight trainer. In order to achieve higher levels of performance, one must train daily but also push themselves constantly. If it's becoming difficult, push past the pain and the exhaustion, and the person will find themselves advancing to higher levels each time they train. Just because you make it to the Olympics doesn't mean you sit back and chill because you're the best. It means now you have to compete at an Olympic level. It never stops if you want to continue bettering yourself in anything.

2.) Be dedicated to the highest degree. I'd better be working. I'd better want it. I need to be a soldier. This is important. Sometimes I'll have to turn down spending time with friends or even going to bed at a reasonable hour. I'm going to be busy...a lot. I'm going to learn to manage my time such that I can work this hard, have a job to pay the bills, and have the balance of rest and recreation in there so that I can still think. It may be three hours of sleep at a time, but I will find a way to make it work. One of the alumni attested to working a full-time job, going to school full-time, having a full-time girlfriend and sleeping four hours at a time. And yes, he's with the same girl still. It can be done. It's the power of mastering time-management.

3.) Step out of the comfort zone and just do whatever I need to do. If I don't know how to do something, learn it. One of the alumni told a story of how in his new job, he was approached about designing a magazine cover in MS Illustrator and had the afternoon to complete it. He had never used Illustrator and had never worked on such a project before. However, you never want to say "no" in this situation, or you'll be gone on the spot. It's the truth. So, he had to learn Illustrator in record time and design the magazine cover. Sometimes they just throw you in and say "swim". This is the kind of industry I'm getting into.

Fortunately, all this hard work does pay off. Eventually it becomes a lifestyle with some flow and obtains more normalcy. When you get a full-time job in animation, you can have a significant other, get some sleep, and have a life outside of workplace. For instance, one of the alumni talked of how his company that gives their employees free massages and sometimes two hours lunches. This could all happen on a day when they only work from 10:00am - 4:00pm. Meanwhile, he's getting paid to make things move, play games (he's a game art animator), and draw, amongst other things. Now, the whole time the employees are working, it's intense and they're working their asses off...but they're doing what they love and it's FUN for them because it's ever-changing and challenging. There's always something to figure out and learn. It's a great thing to aim for and something worth working my hardest for.

Bring it.

Full of Love

So, I sprained my foot 1.5 weeks ago, and I don't mean to whine, but grr it's been a pain!...In more ways than the obvious one!

So, I have been housebound for the past 1.5 weeks except when I have had to get to my classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays (an adventure in itself). I am using a cane to take the weight off, yet allow me to test how my foot is doing by "accidentally" putting some weight on it occasionally. When I'm in my apartment, I'm elevating and icing my foot while trying to keep myself occupied. Boring. Very boring. I am not a homebody.

Today, I realized I had eaten the same foods four days in a row. I needed to buy some more food to mix it up a little, even just to add an ingredient to one of the dishes. Sadly, I then realized I only had one option, and that was to hobble down to the grocery store on the first floor of this building. It's reeeeeeeeeeally expensive down there, but the more I thought about going to my usual grocery store down the street, the more I knew it wouldn't work. I happened to be talking to a friend from back in Ohio when I thought of this, and I mentioned it to him just thinking out loud. He then did the sweetest thing for me. He offered to order me a pizza online. He insisted. I couldn't refuse. So, I chose my pizza: the Super Taco Pizza (rowr!), and he threw a cheesecake in there for me because he knows I love that stuff. Ohhhh how I love cheesecake.

I finished half the pizza and the entire slice of cheesecake. I was full of delicious food and very happy. What a wonderful thing to do for someone. I will remember this and do the same for someone else. It truly made my week.

Detournement

The past few weeks have been so busy for me that my intention to write an entry has been consistently pushed to the bottom of my to-do list. I apologize if anyone was checking regularly for a new post only to be disappointed.

First off, I've made it to Chicago!!! I'm going to art school and I am SO HAPPY! Things just fell into place and it all happened so quickly and so close together that my head seemed to be constantly spinning. Oh wow, I am so happy this worked out!

The transition from Toledo to Chicago has been quite a ride. It’s funny how it doesn’t feel tumultuous on a daily basis, but when I look back, I realize just how busy I have been, even just mentally.

Chicago is shaping up to be the perfect place for me at this time of my life. I do miss the advantage of having a neighboring region as open and green as Holland, OH, where I can enjoy the open skies and beautiful stretches of farmland on occasion. Being in downtown Chicago, there’s not much empty space and not much green, but I know when the weather warms up, I’ll be seeking bus routes to take me to metro parks such as the gigantic Chicago Botanical Gardens northwest of here. Don’t get me wrong, I love the city. I love being able to look at this awesome architecture on a daily basis and feel the energy of all the people here. It’s almost as if I’m in a whirl-wind of dreams, with everyone striving to achieve them in the same place. The attitude in this city is actually quite positive. I find that a lot of people here are good-hearted, helpful, and willing to make a joke or chat while waiting for a bus or train. Meanwhile, we’re all making caution a habit without letting it get in the way of making connections with each other. It’s very cool. Hehe.

I had to move into an apartment sponsored by the school because the loan they gave me required I live in their housing until at least June. I’m sharing a studio apartment with a roommate and it has made me realize just how valuable having my own room is. In Toledo, I had a whole apartment to myself. Here, I have only a bed, a desk, a dresser, and a closet to call my own…and actually those came with the apartment, so they are not actually mine. The rest of the space, I am sharing with my roommate in one way or another. We are even sharing a single Ethernet cable for our internet, so we have to switch back and forth, depending on who needs it. Living in such close quarters with another person is quite a lesson in compromise.

I love school so far and though it’s been difficult to meet people, I am having a wonderful time. I do not hesitate to talk to my classmates, nor to ask any faculty/staff members for advice. I met a senior in my major (Animation/Media Arts) and he gave me advice that he wishes he had received when he was a sophomore. There’s an animation software program I’ll be using eventually, and I can actually begin learning it now. Each computer lab in our school has a tutorial for this program on their computers, and so if I can just familiarize myself with the software ahead of time, I’ll have a real edge when I finally need to use it. Another piece of advice was to hang out on the 2nd floor at the school as much as possible because it is the floor primarily for Animation classes, etc. I will more than likely meet other animators there, faculty members, and maybe hear of tech jobs opening up when people graduate. A job in the school, even being a tech for audio/visual equipment is a great opportunity for networking and references. Hehe.

The city itself is amazing, as I knew it would be. I love the public transportation, especially the train. I can get across the city and even visit the few friends I know who live almost an hour away, as long as I’m willing to walk a small distance from the train station when I arrive in their neighborhood. I currently live a block away from the Union Station which houses the Mega Buses, which can take me to Toledo, Cleveland, Minneapolis and many other cities for just $15.00 round trip, with just a couple weeks notice. I live even less than a block away from the Metra train station, which can take me to even more cities in this country. So, basically, it is true that you do not need a car when you live in Chicago…as long as you live fairly close to a train or bus stop. How wonderful!

A couple weeks ago, I finally got into contact with the Chicago Baha'i community and was able to attend a prayer devotional meeting Monday evening. It took me about twenty minutes to get to the place on the train, but so far I enjoy the train rides very much and did not mind spending that time. Train rides give me time to knit or read/study. Hehe. It was wonderful to be at the devotional and to be gathered with people whom I knew would welcome me, whether they knew me or not. This was a great comfort to me since I was discouraged by not having made friends since moving here. With prayer and warm conversation added to the mix, I had a wonderful time. It sort of recharged my spirit so that I felt ready to take on the rest of the week and keep trying to meet more people at school.

So, basically, this was a very good idea.

I hope to post more entries soon because this particular one was just to update in general on how well things are going. Details are more fun. :)

Update in progress

Without intention, I've neglected to write a blog for a couple months. The latest is on its way. Please keep checking these next couple days!

Love,
Charlie

Addicted

"Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. The bottom line is couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else but the big difference is, they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."

-Dr. Perry Cox
"Scrubs", Episode 15


Yeah, what he said.

Driving Home

It's a mountain, I swear, this thing I've set out to accomplish. I call it "my dreams". I liken them to an expression of my soul. To give up on them, in my opinion, is to give up on my soul.

I had a dream at the beginning of this past summer. Late in the dream, I was transported suddenly to a large open room with lots of windows and light streaming in. The floor was large, bare, and wooden, but further up the room it turned into white linoleum and there were rows of chairs. At the head of the chairs were tables and three computer tech guys with their PC's on tables working on something, laughing and joking with each other; being dorks. One of them was a man very close to my heart. I felt so melancholy and drained of energy. I laid down on the floor on my back with my arms and legs spread. I began to release...something. It seemed I was giving myself up, or giving up on something...releasing. I was definitely not happy about doing it. It seemed it was a necessity to me, or rather, it seemed I didn't see another way. I heard a white noise growing in my ears as I sank deep into some meditation...release. Then I heard my dear one's voice cut clear through in a commanding voice...trying to get my attention. "Charlene," he said. I ignored it, and kept sinking, giving up. "Charlene," he said again. It cut through the noise so clear. I ignored it again, the white noise creeping in. Then he was at my side and grabbed me into his arms, crying and holding me, pleading urgently "Don't do it! Don't do it!" That was when the dream ended.

I have been trying to get into art school. Working hard and staying ahead of schedule. However, every step of the way, there is an obstacle. Some bigger than others, and some just piled on top of others. The biggest ones have to do with money. Trying to find loans with not-so-stellar credit, the need for a newer reliable car to travel long distance, the need for a security deposit when I move to the new city...I'm not rich. I'm barely making it now. My family disapproves of my decisions, my goals, and the way I'm going about reaching them. My current car is barely staying alive, and my current employer is making it clear that he owns me. Things are very rough. I am tired. I am melancholy. Thoughts creep in to give up and stay here in this town, improve my credit, and wait another year before trying for art school...but that kills me. Who knows what will happen in that amount of time. Something else might get in the way. It hurts so badly to think of that, I was up late crying about it last night. Bawling like a baby, is more like it. It feels like I will have broken my own heart if I give up.

In fact, that is exactly what giving up will do.

I must not let myself do it. As long as there is another step to take or try, I will not give up.

Soul Spilling

In an essay of at least 300 words, explain what you expect to accomplish while studying at the Illinois Institute of Art, please be concise...

"To Shine Brighter Than the Stars We Wish Upon"

My soul quivers with excitement as I imagine the experience of attending The Illinois Institute of Art in Chicago. I see myself surrounded by peers who are artists, like myself. We are bouncing ideas off each other and working together, as well as alone. I am working long hours and even late in the evening to present my best efforts when assignments are due. I am staying after class time to talk with my instructors, picking their brains and having wonderful discussions. I see myself taking advantage of the social and business opportunities to create a network and contribute to the community within the school and beyond. I am applying for every scholarship and competition I can. I am the student who is known for my hard work, energy, positive attitude, and outgoingness. I am remembered and highly recommended to those seeking the best this institute can offer.

Given the opportunity to attend The Illinois Institute of Art in Chicago, I hope to earn a Bachelor's degree in the Media Arts and Animation program. I hope to grow significantly as an artist, an entrepreneur, and a teammate. My employment experiences in customer service and office atmospheres have taught me much about working with others, working hard, and being proud of doing well, regardless of the task at hand. I hope to capitalize on these skills within this institute and continue to build on my character. I want to learn the facets of the media arts and become a versatile artist in the field. In every occupation I've had, my job description has grown beyond its original size because I enjoy doing many different things. I want that advantage as an artist. Above all, I want to hone my skills and talent and land a career in the art field. I hope to prove to myself that I can indeed achieve anything I put my mind to.

I have traveled quite a journey thus far that has proven life to be less than a straight line of events. All of my life, I have been an artist and nothing can change that. Hardships, financial limits and lack of confidence have kept me from pursuing my dreams efficiently. I have settled for community college and university art programs. I have turned away from the arts to pursue more so-called "practical" degrees promising higher income, such as nursing. My Associate of Arts degree has landed jobs that use so little of my artistic abilities and talents, yet they occupy forty hours of my week. After such experiences, I've learned what is practical for me: pursuing my dreams in the art field. I want to be in position to be in a career I can greet with a smile every morning, as well as fall asleep exhausted every night knowing I am not wasting this precious gift. My decision to attend school is no longer an obligation to my parents or what society believes I should do. Now that I have decided to be true to myself and chase down my wildest dreams, motivation and drive are more prominent than ever before.

-Written by yours truly

Toodley Do

Of all the goals I have, I want to be able to follow my to-do list...daily.

THIS is what will achieve almost every goal I have. There are things I need to do in order to bring me closer to what I want, and so I write them down. The next step is to do them. I am not sure what it is that slows me down. Intimidation? I try to deal with my list one item at a time. I even wrote each item on its own card so that I could pick certain ones out of the stack and just see those instead of the whole list at once. So, I’ve solved that…but I think maybe my mind is not fooled. After I choose what I am to do that day, I begin wondering if I should change my mind. I am my worse enemy, I swear. I don’t think it matters what I choose to do on my to-do list each day. Everything I finish is worth doing and takes me closer to something I want. So, just…do SOMETHING. Argh. Ok, so on that note, I have the day off work today so I am going to do what I can, no matter how unpleasant the tasks seem. I’ll be glad at the end of today if I accomplish even little things because little things add up to BIG things (and I like accomplishing big things.) I can do this!

Big Time Sensuality

There's this fellow, he's poor. So he starts to pray. It's not one of those self-abnegating types of prayer where Tevya shouts at the Lord that it's no great honor to be poor. It's plain and simple, "Lord, please let me win the lottery today."

"Lord, Please let me win the lottery today."

"Lord, Please let me win the lottery today."

Every day, "Lord, Please let me win the lottery today." For ten years he faithfully recites his prayer and receives no response. Finally, after ten years of reciting this prayer, 3653 days (three leap years) the Angel Gabriel appears before the man, carrying a mighty gleaming sword, fiery eyes, and seriously ticked off look on his face.
"Dude!" Gabriel shouts, "Meet the Man half way! Buy a lottery ticket!"

Please, Lord, Let me get into art school in Chicago and be able to afford to achieve my dreams.

(Though, from a certain perspective...I can't afford NOT to achieve them.)

The Sound of Rain

Today is an example of the speed bumps I occasionally run into during this journey of seemingly bottomless hope and trust in the God and my future. I am lonely...but not necessarily for people. (This is not to exclude my desire/need for human contact today, but rather to focus on the root of this loneliness). I feel alone in my struggles. I am scared of and intimidated by my goals. The other day, I was not at all daunted by my lofty dreams of becoming a freelance animator via higher education, growing into a famous artist (not necessarily world-wide but I'd like to be known of and sought out), a wonderful cook, an avid reader, entrepreneur, and citizen of a large community-stimulating city...(I dare to continue aching for Chicago.) It all seems like a mountain to me today, and I feel as though I've lost the appropriate gear. I pray this washes over me and that all I believe is in store for me will come to pass; that I have the strength and insight to grab onto the opportunities I find. That I never quench this fire inside.

I borrowed a few books from the library on the subject of Animation drawing. So far, it seems to flow with my dreams as an artist. I think I will find it is the facet of art I will enjoy most. So far, this has just been a guess. I am reading about success and failure stories from animators, and the necessary steps to take in order to enter this field. I seem to have already taken some of the steps, I just need to go a little further. I need to go back to school. I met my friend's brother last Thursday (he was visiting from out-of-town) and had a wonderful conversation with him about my situation. He told me of his friend Sam, who is an animator in San Francisco. Sam is a freelance animator and also works for a catering company. Is he successful? In my opinion, yes. He is doing what he loves and making it work with the catering job. I have his contact info now and his website URL to browse.

I desire a sense of security, yet I do not want to feel grounded...or stuck, if you will. I like the idea of traveling, having jobs that are changing with a variety of projects to keep my mind sharp and creative. When I learned of Sam, I was excited. The security I seek is not to have one job for the rest of my life. The security I seek is to have a flow of artistic opportunities and knowing that I am able to put myself out there to find more. I want to do what I love, make money from it, and have the confidence to grow with it.

I bought a drawing table with the intention of wearing it out.

Saturation

So, I've had a bit of a writer's block lately. It's more like a traffic jam of thoughts, all of them wanting to get to the front of the line yet preventing all from actually succeeding. I'm going to randomly point and choose a thought, hoping to form some kind of train. The others will have to either cooperate and form a single file line, or be kicked off the track for misbehaviour. I'm a visual person, obviously.

I cannot really say I'm at a turning point in my life because I've felt that it's been a gradual turn for about the past year. The turn is a sharp one, but the speed at which I've traveled thus far has been slow enough to keep me from wiping out.

I still work at the same job in the same town while living in the same apartment, all factors still capable of draining the vigor of my soul. However, changing these was unnecessary in order to change things within myself. I have risen above the negativity and realized this is all temporary. I will not stay in this location, nor in this career. I stopped letting such things define me.

I've begun to paint. Oh yes, a most glorious experience. I have missed this, the place I melt into when I quiet my mind and just let my talent run free. My painting style is a combination of music and dance. I immerse myself in music, blasting it through headphones as I move to the beat and begin to feel. I choose colors without hesitation and put little thought into their placement on the canvas. I have dancing interludes when the rhythm overwhelms me, and then I delve back into the painting. This is not a sitting activity for me. I love it, and it shows.

I am remembering what it is to be an artist. It really is a lifestyle. It bleeds into every part of my life, whether I realize it or not. When I stopped drawing for an extended time, I began to knit and sew. The clothes I've worn are not at all in fashion, but they combine texture and colors that I believe are intriguing. I decorated my apartment in my own fashion, purposefully mis-matching items to create variety of texture and a myriad of colors in a room. Each color of the spectrum and its hues will implant a certain mood in a person, green being calm, red being aggressive, etc. Why not view them all at once, and choose? Maybe this is logical, maybe not, but it works for me. I think my touch is beautiful.

I am living and enjoying life as much as I can, and the key to life really is balance. I have a poster on my wall of an elephant standing on a beach ball with the words "The Key to Life is Balance" below. I have had this poster for years, but never truly grasped its truth. Finally, thank God, I have.

I know myself on a much deeper level than before. I know what I like and what I don't and what is important to me. I know what I can handle already and am willing to stake out new territories of experience. I am willing to FEEL, because it is life I seek in all its forms. I know now that hard times are so good for me and the good times are that much better.

How many people reach this plane? I feel out of place amongst a majority of people, yet I can move about somewhat fluidly. At work, my co-workers seem to treat me with curiosity. I will not stay with them. To be blunt, they seem to already be dead, settling for a job to pay the bills while spending their free time recovering from the exhaustion it brings. They dream of possessions and seeing the latest movies. I dream of new planes of thought, new projects and places to see, new books, new people to meet and heightened spiritual experiences. I dream of LIFE itself. Even my physical self expresses this in its extreme sensitivity to its environment. A blessing and a curse, I can feel, see, smell, taste, and hear so deeply and clearly that even a description seems to throw me into a pseudo-experience. It's crazy.

I feel so free and open to the future.
Unlimited.
Wonderful.

Allah'u'abha!

This is why I'm a Baha'i

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to make a pilgrimage to the Baha'i House of Worship in Wilmette, IL. My dear friend Sean and I spent 30 hours of our weekend on this little event...very brief for such a distance to travel, yet entirely worth it. Below is a photo I took and an expression I wrote of the evening of May 19, 2007. We arrived just as the sun was setting.

In a word, it was Love.



Warm wind
smells of lilac and rhododendron
budding roses
soft breeze
magic night
Tablet of Ahmad encircling the Mother Temple
glowing spots of light in the grass surrounding
reflecting pool, mirroring spirits
visitors laughing and pointing
so happy
so many

"The Light of good character surpasseth the light of the Sun"

Strolling slowly, stepping softly,
singing humbly:

"Oh God, my Adored One, my King, my Desire! What tongue can voice my thanks to Thee?"

Turning at the reflecting pool I saw the sun through the temple doors.
Welling up with joy
for the beauty, the magnetism
the light of the visitors.
The wonder and awe.
Ya Baha'u'llah- Abha!
Could not help but fall on my knees
and touch my forehead to the ground

A tour was given.
Tourists gazing upon us with smiles
and wonder
A group of children
hands folded or crossed
standing in front of the reflection pool
Tourists smiling, giggling, admiring.

Magic.

Flowers and foliage
allergic
tired, yet bouncy
Full.
Refreshed.


* Arabic: "O Glory of the All-Glorious"

Running Out of Air

Allow me to briefly express my regret for the years of artistic starvation I've subjected myself to. I got so wrapped up in the belief that as long as I made enough money, I'd be happy. My biggest mistake was to halt all creation of artwork. My tools gathered dust and so did that section of my brain. Currently, I am at least incorporating art into a small portion of my life and redeveloping my talent through a college drawing class. However, it's not enough. I am still hungry...for time, for energy, for freedom of mind. I have fallen behind in art and I want to knock some socks off, but as I am relearning to walk I drag a ball and chain from my ankle.

My situation is frustrating. I got a full-time job to fulfill my financial demands. Unfortunately, said job is plainly eating my soul. This description comes across as extreme, yet the job requires 100% of my attention for the 8 hours I am there, and 0% of me. If my thoughts deviate from my work, I make mistakes and any mistake is intolerable. Simply, half my day is spent doing something I don't care about or enjoy, with no room for relief until I get home in the evening.

My spiritual livelihood is creativity, emotional expression, and artwork. My mind can't help but travel outside the office realm to something much more interesting. It becomes a catch 22, as the desire to think about what I love jeopardizes my job and my job jeopardizes the ease of creative thought. Ultimately, I need to get out of this job and find something simpler that pays the bills and lets me periodically be me. I feel dead there, and as soon as I step out of the office, it's like someone's breathed life into me again. It takes a bit of time to remember who I am and what I'd like to do with the few remaining hours of the day before I must sleep and start another day of work. I am sickened by this waste. I must find a way out, and it must be as soon as next month. I am gasping for air. It's just a matter of time before I lose my mind.

Si Vovieras A Mi

I am more than all this paper pushing, analying, accounting...selling...irrigation product. I am creative, artistic, extremely talented. I am intrigued with the way things work, the human body, machines and I'm good with numbers...just not all that interested. I have an impeccable memory, when I feel the need to remember...the details are insane. I love the sciences. I am an intellectual, but a particular kind which I cannot identify. I just know that I'm different. Everyone's different, actually. Not everyone attempts to discover this. I am being shown, as if I'd begun slipping into a coma of mediocrity, that I have the ability to become what I dream of...and more.

These past years have helped me grow spiritually in ways I cannot describe verbally. Maybe in a painting, or a song. I've witnessed small miracles of nature, of character in my friends and loved ones. I've seen epiphanies reached in those around me and within myself. We are supporting each other and climbing heights together. Thank God for all that I have witnessed. I've become a Reiki healer, which required an attunement that is a simple ceremony to open me up as a channel for divine healing/energy. I can help...I have been granted a gift, a privelage such as this. It feels wonderful to serve people in this way. I am growing into something I admired.

I've grown in character as well...I've found myself. The fundamental self, seperate from the roles I've taken on and the demands they carry. Self-awareness and identity are so precious. I cannot believe I'd forgotten who I am, yet I knew I was always searching. Now that I'm discovering myself, I am empowered. I feel likened to a blinding rainbow of colors bursting from this body. I am so much more...and my soul quivers with excitement.

I will be a great intellectual artist, carving a path of wonder and inspiration to others. I am something amazing and I am being encouraged (pretty much forcefully) to show it and live it. The things/people that have held me back or distracted me have been taken away for the time being...sadly. It seemed to be the only way to get me to focus...sadly. Seeing as I've been knocked over the head with a hammer (when all else failed), I will heed the message and rise above my doubts to pursue my dreams. Maybe some of what has been taken will return after I fulfull this calling...it would be lovely. The future looks so bright, however, I think I'll be ok regardless.

Wish upon a star

doing alright
been dressing very "me" lately
and I like that
at work, I dress how my employer wants
then I come home and put all my earrings back in and my "me" clothes on
this is why I don't belong in this type of work

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I think in motion. I need music to be inspired artistically. Music is motion. Thought is motion. Animation is most likely the best way for me to express my ideas.

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I am a genius