Driving Home

It's a mountain, I swear, this thing I've set out to accomplish. I call it "my dreams". I liken them to an expression of my soul. To give up on them, in my opinion, is to give up on my soul.

I had a dream at the beginning of this past summer. Late in the dream, I was transported suddenly to a large open room with lots of windows and light streaming in. The floor was large, bare, and wooden, but further up the room it turned into white linoleum and there were rows of chairs. At the head of the chairs were tables and three computer tech guys with their PC's on tables working on something, laughing and joking with each other; being dorks. One of them was a man very close to my heart. I felt so melancholy and drained of energy. I laid down on the floor on my back with my arms and legs spread. I began to release...something. It seemed I was giving myself up, or giving up on something...releasing. I was definitely not happy about doing it. It seemed it was a necessity to me, or rather, it seemed I didn't see another way. I heard a white noise growing in my ears as I sank deep into some meditation...release. Then I heard my dear one's voice cut clear through in a commanding voice...trying to get my attention. "Charlene," he said. I ignored it, and kept sinking, giving up. "Charlene," he said again. It cut through the noise so clear. I ignored it again, the white noise creeping in. Then he was at my side and grabbed me into his arms, crying and holding me, pleading urgently "Don't do it! Don't do it!" That was when the dream ended.

I have been trying to get into art school. Working hard and staying ahead of schedule. However, every step of the way, there is an obstacle. Some bigger than others, and some just piled on top of others. The biggest ones have to do with money. Trying to find loans with not-so-stellar credit, the need for a newer reliable car to travel long distance, the need for a security deposit when I move to the new city...I'm not rich. I'm barely making it now. My family disapproves of my decisions, my goals, and the way I'm going about reaching them. My current car is barely staying alive, and my current employer is making it clear that he owns me. Things are very rough. I am tired. I am melancholy. Thoughts creep in to give up and stay here in this town, improve my credit, and wait another year before trying for art school...but that kills me. Who knows what will happen in that amount of time. Something else might get in the way. It hurts so badly to think of that, I was up late crying about it last night. Bawling like a baby, is more like it. It feels like I will have broken my own heart if I give up.

In fact, that is exactly what giving up will do.

I must not let myself do it. As long as there is another step to take or try, I will not give up.