The Test

“Nothing succeeds like excess.”

- Oscar Wilde

My life is going to change. Yes, I know it's changed already since I relocated to Chicago and began a completely different career path than anyone but me expected. However, the field of animation requires a certain adjustment in attitude and dedication.

I have been at this art institute for a little over a month and have learned consistently that in order to succeed in animation, one must work their butt off. Yes, everyone knows this...but what does it actually mean? It means I need to want this more than anyone else in this field, and I need to act like it. I need to stay up until 3:00am working on my assignments, a concept or personal drawing. It means I need to tell my friends that I'm busy and tell that lazy voice in my head that I can't spend hours bumming around tonight or this morning because I need to practice my skills. I need to train myself to be an artist 24/7...yes of course, but what does THAT mean exactly? It means that I must, at all times, be either observing the world or drawing the things I've observed. When I'm sitting on the train, hanging out with friends, working at my job, etc., I must be looking at people's movements, the way light shines on objects, etc. and then I'll end up drawing some of those things because I have learned about them through observation. Being able to draw a multitude of things is essential in animation. The more an artist sees, the more of a palette they'll have to work from. On top of that, anything drawn for fantasy is best drawn from references. Fantasy is what is known, except that an artist has twisted the heck out of it. An animator is trying to make things appear on a screen that have never existed before, yet to make it believable, it must follow the laws of physics and the universe. This is why I was required to submit a portfolio to get into this program. I needed to be at a certain level of drawing skills, and I am expected to go much higher.

I've read quite a few success stories from this school of animators being hired full-time within six months of their graduation, and even some who were hired right after graduation. I've attended two workshops so far that have educated me on particular things these students did so that they shone the brightest. One of the workshops was this evening, lead by two alumni who were hired as soon as they graduated. If I am to get there, I must (and I do) want it badly enough to:

1.) Work hard...harder than I ever have before. I heard from somewhere that being an artist is like being an athlete or weight trainer. In order to achieve higher levels of performance, one must train daily but also push themselves constantly. If it's becoming difficult, push past the pain and the exhaustion, and the person will find themselves advancing to higher levels each time they train. Just because you make it to the Olympics doesn't mean you sit back and chill because you're the best. It means now you have to compete at an Olympic level. It never stops if you want to continue bettering yourself in anything.

2.) Be dedicated to the highest degree. I'd better be working. I'd better want it. I need to be a soldier. This is important. Sometimes I'll have to turn down spending time with friends or even going to bed at a reasonable hour. I'm going to be busy...a lot. I'm going to learn to manage my time such that I can work this hard, have a job to pay the bills, and have the balance of rest and recreation in there so that I can still think. It may be three hours of sleep at a time, but I will find a way to make it work. One of the alumni attested to working a full-time job, going to school full-time, having a full-time girlfriend and sleeping four hours at a time. And yes, he's with the same girl still. It can be done. It's the power of mastering time-management.

3.) Step out of the comfort zone and just do whatever I need to do. If I don't know how to do something, learn it. One of the alumni told a story of how in his new job, he was approached about designing a magazine cover in MS Illustrator and had the afternoon to complete it. He had never used Illustrator and had never worked on such a project before. However, you never want to say "no" in this situation, or you'll be gone on the spot. It's the truth. So, he had to learn Illustrator in record time and design the magazine cover. Sometimes they just throw you in and say "swim". This is the kind of industry I'm getting into.

Fortunately, all this hard work does pay off. Eventually it becomes a lifestyle with some flow and obtains more normalcy. When you get a full-time job in animation, you can have a significant other, get some sleep, and have a life outside of workplace. For instance, one of the alumni talked of how his company that gives their employees free massages and sometimes two hours lunches. This could all happen on a day when they only work from 10:00am - 4:00pm. Meanwhile, he's getting paid to make things move, play games (he's a game art animator), and draw, amongst other things. Now, the whole time the employees are working, it's intense and they're working their asses off...but they're doing what they love and it's FUN for them because it's ever-changing and challenging. There's always something to figure out and learn. It's a great thing to aim for and something worth working my hardest for.

Bring it.

Full of Love

So, I sprained my foot 1.5 weeks ago, and I don't mean to whine, but grr it's been a pain!...In more ways than the obvious one!

So, I have been housebound for the past 1.5 weeks except when I have had to get to my classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays (an adventure in itself). I am using a cane to take the weight off, yet allow me to test how my foot is doing by "accidentally" putting some weight on it occasionally. When I'm in my apartment, I'm elevating and icing my foot while trying to keep myself occupied. Boring. Very boring. I am not a homebody.

Today, I realized I had eaten the same foods four days in a row. I needed to buy some more food to mix it up a little, even just to add an ingredient to one of the dishes. Sadly, I then realized I only had one option, and that was to hobble down to the grocery store on the first floor of this building. It's reeeeeeeeeeally expensive down there, but the more I thought about going to my usual grocery store down the street, the more I knew it wouldn't work. I happened to be talking to a friend from back in Ohio when I thought of this, and I mentioned it to him just thinking out loud. He then did the sweetest thing for me. He offered to order me a pizza online. He insisted. I couldn't refuse. So, I chose my pizza: the Super Taco Pizza (rowr!), and he threw a cheesecake in there for me because he knows I love that stuff. Ohhhh how I love cheesecake.

I finished half the pizza and the entire slice of cheesecake. I was full of delicious food and very happy. What a wonderful thing to do for someone. I will remember this and do the same for someone else. It truly made my week.

Detournement

The past few weeks have been so busy for me that my intention to write an entry has been consistently pushed to the bottom of my to-do list. I apologize if anyone was checking regularly for a new post only to be disappointed.

First off, I've made it to Chicago!!! I'm going to art school and I am SO HAPPY! Things just fell into place and it all happened so quickly and so close together that my head seemed to be constantly spinning. Oh wow, I am so happy this worked out!

The transition from Toledo to Chicago has been quite a ride. It’s funny how it doesn’t feel tumultuous on a daily basis, but when I look back, I realize just how busy I have been, even just mentally.

Chicago is shaping up to be the perfect place for me at this time of my life. I do miss the advantage of having a neighboring region as open and green as Holland, OH, where I can enjoy the open skies and beautiful stretches of farmland on occasion. Being in downtown Chicago, there’s not much empty space and not much green, but I know when the weather warms up, I’ll be seeking bus routes to take me to metro parks such as the gigantic Chicago Botanical Gardens northwest of here. Don’t get me wrong, I love the city. I love being able to look at this awesome architecture on a daily basis and feel the energy of all the people here. It’s almost as if I’m in a whirl-wind of dreams, with everyone striving to achieve them in the same place. The attitude in this city is actually quite positive. I find that a lot of people here are good-hearted, helpful, and willing to make a joke or chat while waiting for a bus or train. Meanwhile, we’re all making caution a habit without letting it get in the way of making connections with each other. It’s very cool. Hehe.

I had to move into an apartment sponsored by the school because the loan they gave me required I live in their housing until at least June. I’m sharing a studio apartment with a roommate and it has made me realize just how valuable having my own room is. In Toledo, I had a whole apartment to myself. Here, I have only a bed, a desk, a dresser, and a closet to call my own…and actually those came with the apartment, so they are not actually mine. The rest of the space, I am sharing with my roommate in one way or another. We are even sharing a single Ethernet cable for our internet, so we have to switch back and forth, depending on who needs it. Living in such close quarters with another person is quite a lesson in compromise.

I love school so far and though it’s been difficult to meet people, I am having a wonderful time. I do not hesitate to talk to my classmates, nor to ask any faculty/staff members for advice. I met a senior in my major (Animation/Media Arts) and he gave me advice that he wishes he had received when he was a sophomore. There’s an animation software program I’ll be using eventually, and I can actually begin learning it now. Each computer lab in our school has a tutorial for this program on their computers, and so if I can just familiarize myself with the software ahead of time, I’ll have a real edge when I finally need to use it. Another piece of advice was to hang out on the 2nd floor at the school as much as possible because it is the floor primarily for Animation classes, etc. I will more than likely meet other animators there, faculty members, and maybe hear of tech jobs opening up when people graduate. A job in the school, even being a tech for audio/visual equipment is a great opportunity for networking and references. Hehe.

The city itself is amazing, as I knew it would be. I love the public transportation, especially the train. I can get across the city and even visit the few friends I know who live almost an hour away, as long as I’m willing to walk a small distance from the train station when I arrive in their neighborhood. I currently live a block away from the Union Station which houses the Mega Buses, which can take me to Toledo, Cleveland, Minneapolis and many other cities for just $15.00 round trip, with just a couple weeks notice. I live even less than a block away from the Metra train station, which can take me to even more cities in this country. So, basically, it is true that you do not need a car when you live in Chicago…as long as you live fairly close to a train or bus stop. How wonderful!

A couple weeks ago, I finally got into contact with the Chicago Baha'i community and was able to attend a prayer devotional meeting Monday evening. It took me about twenty minutes to get to the place on the train, but so far I enjoy the train rides very much and did not mind spending that time. Train rides give me time to knit or read/study. Hehe. It was wonderful to be at the devotional and to be gathered with people whom I knew would welcome me, whether they knew me or not. This was a great comfort to me since I was discouraged by not having made friends since moving here. With prayer and warm conversation added to the mix, I had a wonderful time. It sort of recharged my spirit so that I felt ready to take on the rest of the week and keep trying to meet more people at school.

So, basically, this was a very good idea.

I hope to post more entries soon because this particular one was just to update in general on how well things are going. Details are more fun. :)

Update in progress

Without intention, I've neglected to write a blog for a couple months. The latest is on its way. Please keep checking these next couple days!

Love,
Charlie

Addicted

"Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. The bottom line is couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else but the big difference is, they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."

-Dr. Perry Cox
"Scrubs", Episode 15


Yeah, what he said.

Driving Home

It's a mountain, I swear, this thing I've set out to accomplish. I call it "my dreams". I liken them to an expression of my soul. To give up on them, in my opinion, is to give up on my soul.

I had a dream at the beginning of this past summer. Late in the dream, I was transported suddenly to a large open room with lots of windows and light streaming in. The floor was large, bare, and wooden, but further up the room it turned into white linoleum and there were rows of chairs. At the head of the chairs were tables and three computer tech guys with their PC's on tables working on something, laughing and joking with each other; being dorks. One of them was a man very close to my heart. I felt so melancholy and drained of energy. I laid down on the floor on my back with my arms and legs spread. I began to release...something. It seemed I was giving myself up, or giving up on something...releasing. I was definitely not happy about doing it. It seemed it was a necessity to me, or rather, it seemed I didn't see another way. I heard a white noise growing in my ears as I sank deep into some meditation...release. Then I heard my dear one's voice cut clear through in a commanding voice...trying to get my attention. "Charlene," he said. I ignored it, and kept sinking, giving up. "Charlene," he said again. It cut through the noise so clear. I ignored it again, the white noise creeping in. Then he was at my side and grabbed me into his arms, crying and holding me, pleading urgently "Don't do it! Don't do it!" That was when the dream ended.

I have been trying to get into art school. Working hard and staying ahead of schedule. However, every step of the way, there is an obstacle. Some bigger than others, and some just piled on top of others. The biggest ones have to do with money. Trying to find loans with not-so-stellar credit, the need for a newer reliable car to travel long distance, the need for a security deposit when I move to the new city...I'm not rich. I'm barely making it now. My family disapproves of my decisions, my goals, and the way I'm going about reaching them. My current car is barely staying alive, and my current employer is making it clear that he owns me. Things are very rough. I am tired. I am melancholy. Thoughts creep in to give up and stay here in this town, improve my credit, and wait another year before trying for art school...but that kills me. Who knows what will happen in that amount of time. Something else might get in the way. It hurts so badly to think of that, I was up late crying about it last night. Bawling like a baby, is more like it. It feels like I will have broken my own heart if I give up.

In fact, that is exactly what giving up will do.

I must not let myself do it. As long as there is another step to take or try, I will not give up.

Soul Spilling

In an essay of at least 300 words, explain what you expect to accomplish while studying at the Illinois Institute of Art, please be concise...

"To Shine Brighter Than the Stars We Wish Upon"

My soul quivers with excitement as I imagine the experience of attending The Illinois Institute of Art in Chicago. I see myself surrounded by peers who are artists, like myself. We are bouncing ideas off each other and working together, as well as alone. I am working long hours and even late in the evening to present my best efforts when assignments are due. I am staying after class time to talk with my instructors, picking their brains and having wonderful discussions. I see myself taking advantage of the social and business opportunities to create a network and contribute to the community within the school and beyond. I am applying for every scholarship and competition I can. I am the student who is known for my hard work, energy, positive attitude, and outgoingness. I am remembered and highly recommended to those seeking the best this institute can offer.

Given the opportunity to attend The Illinois Institute of Art in Chicago, I hope to earn a Bachelor's degree in the Media Arts and Animation program. I hope to grow significantly as an artist, an entrepreneur, and a teammate. My employment experiences in customer service and office atmospheres have taught me much about working with others, working hard, and being proud of doing well, regardless of the task at hand. I hope to capitalize on these skills within this institute and continue to build on my character. I want to learn the facets of the media arts and become a versatile artist in the field. In every occupation I've had, my job description has grown beyond its original size because I enjoy doing many different things. I want that advantage as an artist. Above all, I want to hone my skills and talent and land a career in the art field. I hope to prove to myself that I can indeed achieve anything I put my mind to.

I have traveled quite a journey thus far that has proven life to be less than a straight line of events. All of my life, I have been an artist and nothing can change that. Hardships, financial limits and lack of confidence have kept me from pursuing my dreams efficiently. I have settled for community college and university art programs. I have turned away from the arts to pursue more so-called "practical" degrees promising higher income, such as nursing. My Associate of Arts degree has landed jobs that use so little of my artistic abilities and talents, yet they occupy forty hours of my week. After such experiences, I've learned what is practical for me: pursuing my dreams in the art field. I want to be in position to be in a career I can greet with a smile every morning, as well as fall asleep exhausted every night knowing I am not wasting this precious gift. My decision to attend school is no longer an obligation to my parents or what society believes I should do. Now that I have decided to be true to myself and chase down my wildest dreams, motivation and drive are more prominent than ever before.

-Written by yours truly

Toodley Do

Of all the goals I have, I want to be able to follow my to-do list...daily.

THIS is what will achieve almost every goal I have. There are things I need to do in order to bring me closer to what I want, and so I write them down. The next step is to do them. I am not sure what it is that slows me down. Intimidation? I try to deal with my list one item at a time. I even wrote each item on its own card so that I could pick certain ones out of the stack and just see those instead of the whole list at once. So, I’ve solved that…but I think maybe my mind is not fooled. After I choose what I am to do that day, I begin wondering if I should change my mind. I am my worse enemy, I swear. I don’t think it matters what I choose to do on my to-do list each day. Everything I finish is worth doing and takes me closer to something I want. So, just…do SOMETHING. Argh. Ok, so on that note, I have the day off work today so I am going to do what I can, no matter how unpleasant the tasks seem. I’ll be glad at the end of today if I accomplish even little things because little things add up to BIG things (and I like accomplishing big things.) I can do this!

Big Time Sensuality

There's this fellow, he's poor. So he starts to pray. It's not one of those self-abnegating types of prayer where Tevya shouts at the Lord that it's no great honor to be poor. It's plain and simple, "Lord, please let me win the lottery today."

"Lord, Please let me win the lottery today."

"Lord, Please let me win the lottery today."

Every day, "Lord, Please let me win the lottery today." For ten years he faithfully recites his prayer and receives no response. Finally, after ten years of reciting this prayer, 3653 days (three leap years) the Angel Gabriel appears before the man, carrying a mighty gleaming sword, fiery eyes, and seriously ticked off look on his face.
"Dude!" Gabriel shouts, "Meet the Man half way! Buy a lottery ticket!"

Please, Lord, Let me get into art school in Chicago and be able to afford to achieve my dreams.

(Though, from a certain perspective...I can't afford NOT to achieve them.)

The Sound of Rain

Today is an example of the speed bumps I occasionally run into during this journey of seemingly bottomless hope and trust in the God and my future. I am lonely...but not necessarily for people. (This is not to exclude my desire/need for human contact today, but rather to focus on the root of this loneliness). I feel alone in my struggles. I am scared of and intimidated by my goals. The other day, I was not at all daunted by my lofty dreams of becoming a freelance animator via higher education, growing into a famous artist (not necessarily world-wide but I'd like to be known of and sought out), a wonderful cook, an avid reader, entrepreneur, and citizen of a large community-stimulating city...(I dare to continue aching for Chicago.) It all seems like a mountain to me today, and I feel as though I've lost the appropriate gear. I pray this washes over me and that all I believe is in store for me will come to pass; that I have the strength and insight to grab onto the opportunities I find. That I never quench this fire inside.

I borrowed a few books from the library on the subject of Animation drawing. So far, it seems to flow with my dreams as an artist. I think I will find it is the facet of art I will enjoy most. So far, this has just been a guess. I am reading about success and failure stories from animators, and the necessary steps to take in order to enter this field. I seem to have already taken some of the steps, I just need to go a little further. I need to go back to school. I met my friend's brother last Thursday (he was visiting from out-of-town) and had a wonderful conversation with him about my situation. He told me of his friend Sam, who is an animator in San Francisco. Sam is a freelance animator and also works for a catering company. Is he successful? In my opinion, yes. He is doing what he loves and making it work with the catering job. I have his contact info now and his website URL to browse.

I desire a sense of security, yet I do not want to feel grounded...or stuck, if you will. I like the idea of traveling, having jobs that are changing with a variety of projects to keep my mind sharp and creative. When I learned of Sam, I was excited. The security I seek is not to have one job for the rest of my life. The security I seek is to have a flow of artistic opportunities and knowing that I am able to put myself out there to find more. I want to do what I love, make money from it, and have the confidence to grow with it.

I bought a drawing table with the intention of wearing it out.

Saturation

So, I've had a bit of a writer's block lately. It's more like a traffic jam of thoughts, all of them wanting to get to the front of the line yet preventing all from actually succeeding. I'm going to randomly point and choose a thought, hoping to form some kind of train. The others will have to either cooperate and form a single file line, or be kicked off the track for misbehaviour. I'm a visual person, obviously.

I cannot really say I'm at a turning point in my life because I've felt that it's been a gradual turn for about the past year. The turn is a sharp one, but the speed at which I've traveled thus far has been slow enough to keep me from wiping out.

I still work at the same job in the same town while living in the same apartment, all factors still capable of draining the vigor of my soul. However, changing these was unnecessary in order to change things within myself. I have risen above the negativity and realized this is all temporary. I will not stay in this location, nor in this career. I stopped letting such things define me.

I've begun to paint. Oh yes, a most glorious experience. I have missed this, the place I melt into when I quiet my mind and just let my talent run free. My painting style is a combination of music and dance. I immerse myself in music, blasting it through headphones as I move to the beat and begin to feel. I choose colors without hesitation and put little thought into their placement on the canvas. I have dancing interludes when the rhythm overwhelms me, and then I delve back into the painting. This is not a sitting activity for me. I love it, and it shows.

I am remembering what it is to be an artist. It really is a lifestyle. It bleeds into every part of my life, whether I realize it or not. When I stopped drawing for an extended time, I began to knit and sew. The clothes I've worn are not at all in fashion, but they combine texture and colors that I believe are intriguing. I decorated my apartment in my own fashion, purposefully mis-matching items to create variety of texture and a myriad of colors in a room. Each color of the spectrum and its hues will implant a certain mood in a person, green being calm, red being aggressive, etc. Why not view them all at once, and choose? Maybe this is logical, maybe not, but it works for me. I think my touch is beautiful.

I am living and enjoying life as much as I can, and the key to life really is balance. I have a poster on my wall of an elephant standing on a beach ball with the words "The Key to Life is Balance" below. I have had this poster for years, but never truly grasped its truth. Finally, thank God, I have.

I know myself on a much deeper level than before. I know what I like and what I don't and what is important to me. I know what I can handle already and am willing to stake out new territories of experience. I am willing to FEEL, because it is life I seek in all its forms. I know now that hard times are so good for me and the good times are that much better.

How many people reach this plane? I feel out of place amongst a majority of people, yet I can move about somewhat fluidly. At work, my co-workers seem to treat me with curiosity. I will not stay with them. To be blunt, they seem to already be dead, settling for a job to pay the bills while spending their free time recovering from the exhaustion it brings. They dream of possessions and seeing the latest movies. I dream of new planes of thought, new projects and places to see, new books, new people to meet and heightened spiritual experiences. I dream of LIFE itself. Even my physical self expresses this in its extreme sensitivity to its environment. A blessing and a curse, I can feel, see, smell, taste, and hear so deeply and clearly that even a description seems to throw me into a pseudo-experience. It's crazy.

I feel so free and open to the future.
Unlimited.
Wonderful.

Allah'u'abha!

This is why I'm a Baha'i

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to make a pilgrimage to the Baha'i House of Worship in Wilmette, IL. My dear friend Sean and I spent 30 hours of our weekend on this little event...very brief for such a distance to travel, yet entirely worth it. Below is a photo I took and an expression I wrote of the evening of May 19, 2007. We arrived just as the sun was setting.

In a word, it was Love.



Warm wind
smells of lilac and rhododendron
budding roses
soft breeze
magic night
Tablet of Ahmad encircling the Mother Temple
glowing spots of light in the grass surrounding
reflecting pool, mirroring spirits
visitors laughing and pointing
so happy
so many

"The Light of good character surpasseth the light of the Sun"

Strolling slowly, stepping softly,
singing humbly:

"Oh God, my Adored One, my King, my Desire! What tongue can voice my thanks to Thee?"

Turning at the reflecting pool I saw the sun through the temple doors.
Welling up with joy
for the beauty, the magnetism
the light of the visitors.
The wonder and awe.
Ya Baha'u'llah- Abha!
Could not help but fall on my knees
and touch my forehead to the ground

A tour was given.
Tourists gazing upon us with smiles
and wonder
A group of children
hands folded or crossed
standing in front of the reflection pool
Tourists smiling, giggling, admiring.

Magic.

Flowers and foliage
allergic
tired, yet bouncy
Full.
Refreshed.


* Arabic: "O Glory of the All-Glorious"

Running Out of Air

Allow me to briefly express my regret for the years of artistic starvation I've subjected myself to. I got so wrapped up in the belief that as long as I made enough money, I'd be happy. My biggest mistake was to halt all creation of artwork. My tools gathered dust and so did that section of my brain. Currently, I am at least incorporating art into a small portion of my life and redeveloping my talent through a college drawing class. However, it's not enough. I am still hungry...for time, for energy, for freedom of mind. I have fallen behind in art and I want to knock some socks off, but as I am relearning to walk I drag a ball and chain from my ankle.

My situation is frustrating. I got a full-time job to fulfill my financial demands. Unfortunately, said job is plainly eating my soul. This description comes across as extreme, yet the job requires 100% of my attention for the 8 hours I am there, and 0% of me. If my thoughts deviate from my work, I make mistakes and any mistake is intolerable. Simply, half my day is spent doing something I don't care about or enjoy, with no room for relief until I get home in the evening.

My spiritual livelihood is creativity, emotional expression, and artwork. My mind can't help but travel outside the office realm to something much more interesting. It becomes a catch 22, as the desire to think about what I love jeopardizes my job and my job jeopardizes the ease of creative thought. Ultimately, I need to get out of this job and find something simpler that pays the bills and lets me periodically be me. I feel dead there, and as soon as I step out of the office, it's like someone's breathed life into me again. It takes a bit of time to remember who I am and what I'd like to do with the few remaining hours of the day before I must sleep and start another day of work. I am sickened by this waste. I must find a way out, and it must be as soon as next month. I am gasping for air. It's just a matter of time before I lose my mind.

Si Vovieras A Mi

I am more than all this paper pushing, analying, accounting...selling...irrigation product. I am creative, artistic, extremely talented. I am intrigued with the way things work, the human body, machines and I'm good with numbers...just not all that interested. I have an impeccable memory, when I feel the need to remember...the details are insane. I love the sciences. I am an intellectual, but a particular kind which I cannot identify. I just know that I'm different. Everyone's different, actually. Not everyone attempts to discover this. I am being shown, as if I'd begun slipping into a coma of mediocrity, that I have the ability to become what I dream of...and more.

These past years have helped me grow spiritually in ways I cannot describe verbally. Maybe in a painting, or a song. I've witnessed small miracles of nature, of character in my friends and loved ones. I've seen epiphanies reached in those around me and within myself. We are supporting each other and climbing heights together. Thank God for all that I have witnessed. I've become a Reiki healer, which required an attunement that is a simple ceremony to open me up as a channel for divine healing/energy. I can help...I have been granted a gift, a privelage such as this. It feels wonderful to serve people in this way. I am growing into something I admired.

I've grown in character as well...I've found myself. The fundamental self, seperate from the roles I've taken on and the demands they carry. Self-awareness and identity are so precious. I cannot believe I'd forgotten who I am, yet I knew I was always searching. Now that I'm discovering myself, I am empowered. I feel likened to a blinding rainbow of colors bursting from this body. I am so much more...and my soul quivers with excitement.

I will be a great intellectual artist, carving a path of wonder and inspiration to others. I am something amazing and I am being encouraged (pretty much forcefully) to show it and live it. The things/people that have held me back or distracted me have been taken away for the time being...sadly. It seemed to be the only way to get me to focus...sadly. Seeing as I've been knocked over the head with a hammer (when all else failed), I will heed the message and rise above my doubts to pursue my dreams. Maybe some of what has been taken will return after I fulfull this calling...it would be lovely. The future looks so bright, however, I think I'll be ok regardless.

Wish upon a star

doing alright
been dressing very "me" lately
and I like that
at work, I dress how my employer wants
then I come home and put all my earrings back in and my "me" clothes on
this is why I don't belong in this type of work

-----

I think in motion. I need music to be inspired artistically. Music is motion. Thought is motion. Animation is most likely the best way for me to express my ideas.

-----

I am a genius

Rainbow

The sky has fallen, and I am still alive. Though I'm confident in my ability handle such tragedy as had befallen these past months, I must attribute praise to God for holding me upright when I felt like crumbling. It's like the dream I had about walking through a dark forest. Though I could not see ahead of me and was discouraged with the lack of sunlight, I kept putting one foot in front of the other without pause. Eventually, the branches thinned above me and the sun peeked through while I ventured on to arrive at a clearing bathed in sunlight. My destination. My reward. My joy.

It's a difficult thing to move on from a broken heart when there is undoubtedly unfinished business. I've had to create my own form of closure so that I can pick up and move forward. There will be a discussion between us in the future, I think, and I am looking forward to that. I would love to have a healthy relationship with him, for once. However, I cannot wait around. I need to live now.

Ever since the healing process began, I've yearned to study art again. I have so many ideas in my head, but I find it difficult to put them on paper. It's not that I am incapable of expressing my thoughts. Just a couple weeks ago I sketched my frustration in a matter of seconds, and the release was indescribable. I lack vision of my audience, and focus of talent. What I need is to go back to school. I want to learn more specialized forms of artwork, and lately the area of animation has been most appealing. The excitement I feel and the yearning to create such expressions when I look through comic books or view a simple or complex animation tells me there's some real interest inside me. I've begun exploring the field and so far, I am hopeful. I'm interested in learning the technology and combining the science of motion with the art of expression and realism...or even surrealism. My upbringing and continued education have molded me into a creative mutt. I find that I'm addicted to both science and art, as I've tried both, and enjoyed both. Though I've discovered my heart favors art more, the idea of combining the two interests quickens my blood.

So, out of the rubble springs momentum to achieve my dreams and fill the hole in my heart. I'm researching art schools in the Midwest/Eastern region to see if there's a fit. This is my future, dammit. I'm excited. I'm on the move!

A New Autumn

I love this season so much, though it's been stained with negative events for about eight years past. Each autumn, it seems, I'm trying to grow from a failed relationship of some type. Not exactly pleasant, but it seems perfectly relavent to the changes of the earth itself. Some seeds are sown in the Spring, flourish in the Summer and die in the Autumn. If a plant is strong enough, it will rise again the following Spring with new growth, though basically the same plant.

This year marks the "death" of quite a few things. I'm discarding my masks and revealing my true self. The potential that's been harbored inside is more than ready for release. For far too long, I've been living according to the preferences or others' and this has built upon me a guise I cannot stand. This is a change that has required much preparation. The tests I've faced recently and those to come are terrible and wonderous.