"Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. The bottom line is couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else but the big difference is, they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."
-Dr. Perry Cox
"Scrubs", Episode 15
Yeah, what he said.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Driving Home
It's a mountain, I swear, this thing I've set out to accomplish. I call it "my dreams". I liken them to an expression of my soul. To give up on them, in my opinion, is to give up on my soul.
I had a dream at the beginning of this past summer. Late in the dream, I was transported suddenly to a large open room with lots of windows and light streaming in. The floor was large, bare, and wooden, but further up the room it turned into white linoleum and there were rows of chairs. At the head of the chairs were tables and three computer tech guys with their PC's on tables working on something, laughing and joking with each other; being dorks. One of them was a man very close to my heart. I felt so melancholy and drained of energy. I laid down on the floor on my back with my arms and legs spread. I began to release...something. It seemed I was giving myself up, or giving up on something...releasing. I was definitely not happy about doing it. It seemed it was a necessity to me, or rather, it seemed I didn't see another way. I heard a white noise growing in my ears as I sank deep into some meditation...release. Then I heard my dear one's voice cut clear through in a commanding voice...trying to get my attention. "Charlene," he said. I ignored it, and kept sinking, giving up. "Charlene," he said again. It cut through the noise so clear. I ignored it again, the white noise creeping in. Then he was at my side and grabbed me into his arms, crying and holding me, pleading urgently "Don't do it! Don't do it!" That was when the dream ended.
I have been trying to get into art school. Working hard and staying ahead of schedule. However, every step of the way, there is an obstacle. Some bigger than others, and some just piled on top of others. The biggest ones have to do with money. Trying to find loans with not-so-stellar credit, the need for a newer reliable car to travel long distance, the need for a security deposit when I move to the new city...I'm not rich. I'm barely making it now. My family disapproves of my decisions, my goals, and the way I'm going about reaching them. My current car is barely staying alive, and my current employer is making it clear that he owns me. Things are very rough. I am tired. I am melancholy. Thoughts creep in to give up and stay here in this town, improve my credit, and wait another year before trying for art school...but that kills me. Who knows what will happen in that amount of time. Something else might get in the way. It hurts so badly to think of that, I was up late crying about it last night. Bawling like a baby, is more like it. It feels like I will have broken my own heart if I give up.
In fact, that is exactly what giving up will do.
I must not let myself do it. As long as there is another step to take or try, I will not give up.
I had a dream at the beginning of this past summer. Late in the dream, I was transported suddenly to a large open room with lots of windows and light streaming in. The floor was large, bare, and wooden, but further up the room it turned into white linoleum and there were rows of chairs. At the head of the chairs were tables and three computer tech guys with their PC's on tables working on something, laughing and joking with each other; being dorks. One of them was a man very close to my heart. I felt so melancholy and drained of energy. I laid down on the floor on my back with my arms and legs spread. I began to release...something. It seemed I was giving myself up, or giving up on something...releasing. I was definitely not happy about doing it. It seemed it was a necessity to me, or rather, it seemed I didn't see another way. I heard a white noise growing in my ears as I sank deep into some meditation...release. Then I heard my dear one's voice cut clear through in a commanding voice...trying to get my attention. "Charlene," he said. I ignored it, and kept sinking, giving up. "Charlene," he said again. It cut through the noise so clear. I ignored it again, the white noise creeping in. Then he was at my side and grabbed me into his arms, crying and holding me, pleading urgently "Don't do it! Don't do it!" That was when the dream ended.
I have been trying to get into art school. Working hard and staying ahead of schedule. However, every step of the way, there is an obstacle. Some bigger than others, and some just piled on top of others. The biggest ones have to do with money. Trying to find loans with not-so-stellar credit, the need for a newer reliable car to travel long distance, the need for a security deposit when I move to the new city...I'm not rich. I'm barely making it now. My family disapproves of my decisions, my goals, and the way I'm going about reaching them. My current car is barely staying alive, and my current employer is making it clear that he owns me. Things are very rough. I am tired. I am melancholy. Thoughts creep in to give up and stay here in this town, improve my credit, and wait another year before trying for art school...but that kills me. Who knows what will happen in that amount of time. Something else might get in the way. It hurts so badly to think of that, I was up late crying about it last night. Bawling like a baby, is more like it. It feels like I will have broken my own heart if I give up.
In fact, that is exactly what giving up will do.
I must not let myself do it. As long as there is another step to take or try, I will not give up.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Soul Spilling
In an essay of at least 300 words, explain what you expect to accomplish while studying at the Illinois Institute of Art, please be concise...
"To Shine Brighter Than the Stars We Wish Upon"
My soul quivers with excitement as I imagine the experience of attending The Illinois Institute of Art in Chicago. I see myself surrounded by peers who are artists, like myself. We are bouncing ideas off each other and working together, as well as alone. I am working long hours and even late in the evening to present my best efforts when assignments are due. I am staying after class time to talk with my instructors, picking their brains and having wonderful discussions. I see myself taking advantage of the social and business opportunities to create a network and contribute to the community within the school and beyond. I am applying for every scholarship and competition I can. I am the student who is known for my hard work, energy, positive attitude, and outgoingness. I am remembered and highly recommended to those seeking the best this institute can offer.
Given the opportunity to attend The Illinois Institute of Art in Chicago, I hope to earn a Bachelor's degree in the Media Arts and Animation program. I hope to grow significantly as an artist, an entrepreneur, and a teammate. My employment experiences in customer service and office atmospheres have taught me much about working with others, working hard, and being proud of doing well, regardless of the task at hand. I hope to capitalize on these skills within this institute and continue to build on my character. I want to learn the facets of the media arts and become a versatile artist in the field. In every occupation I've had, my job description has grown beyond its original size because I enjoy doing many different things. I want that advantage as an artist. Above all, I want to hone my skills and talent and land a career in the art field. I hope to prove to myself that I can indeed achieve anything I put my mind to.
I have traveled quite a journey thus far that has proven life to be less than a straight line of events. All of my life, I have been an artist and nothing can change that. Hardships, financial limits and lack of confidence have kept me from pursuing my dreams efficiently. I have settled for community college and university art programs. I have turned away from the arts to pursue more so-called "practical" degrees promising higher income, such as nursing. My Associate of Arts degree has landed jobs that use so little of my artistic abilities and talents, yet they occupy forty hours of my week. After such experiences, I've learned what is practical for me: pursuing my dreams in the art field. I want to be in position to be in a career I can greet with a smile every morning, as well as fall asleep exhausted every night knowing I am not wasting this precious gift. My decision to attend school is no longer an obligation to my parents or what society believes I should do. Now that I have decided to be true to myself and chase down my wildest dreams, motivation and drive are more prominent than ever before.
-Written by yours truly
"To Shine Brighter Than the Stars We Wish Upon"
My soul quivers with excitement as I imagine the experience of attending The Illinois Institute of Art in Chicago. I see myself surrounded by peers who are artists, like myself. We are bouncing ideas off each other and working together, as well as alone. I am working long hours and even late in the evening to present my best efforts when assignments are due. I am staying after class time to talk with my instructors, picking their brains and having wonderful discussions. I see myself taking advantage of the social and business opportunities to create a network and contribute to the community within the school and beyond. I am applying for every scholarship and competition I can. I am the student who is known for my hard work, energy, positive attitude, and outgoingness. I am remembered and highly recommended to those seeking the best this institute can offer.
Given the opportunity to attend The Illinois Institute of Art in Chicago, I hope to earn a Bachelor's degree in the Media Arts and Animation program. I hope to grow significantly as an artist, an entrepreneur, and a teammate. My employment experiences in customer service and office atmospheres have taught me much about working with others, working hard, and being proud of doing well, regardless of the task at hand. I hope to capitalize on these skills within this institute and continue to build on my character. I want to learn the facets of the media arts and become a versatile artist in the field. In every occupation I've had, my job description has grown beyond its original size because I enjoy doing many different things. I want that advantage as an artist. Above all, I want to hone my skills and talent and land a career in the art field. I hope to prove to myself that I can indeed achieve anything I put my mind to.
I have traveled quite a journey thus far that has proven life to be less than a straight line of events. All of my life, I have been an artist and nothing can change that. Hardships, financial limits and lack of confidence have kept me from pursuing my dreams efficiently. I have settled for community college and university art programs. I have turned away from the arts to pursue more so-called "practical" degrees promising higher income, such as nursing. My Associate of Arts degree has landed jobs that use so little of my artistic abilities and talents, yet they occupy forty hours of my week. After such experiences, I've learned what is practical for me: pursuing my dreams in the art field. I want to be in position to be in a career I can greet with a smile every morning, as well as fall asleep exhausted every night knowing I am not wasting this precious gift. My decision to attend school is no longer an obligation to my parents or what society believes I should do. Now that I have decided to be true to myself and chase down my wildest dreams, motivation and drive are more prominent than ever before.
-Written by yours truly
Monday, September 03, 2007
Toodley Do
Of all the goals I have, I want to be able to follow my to-do list...daily.
THIS is what will achieve almost every goal I have. There are things I need to do in order to bring me closer to what I want, and so I write them down. The next step is to do them. I am not sure what it is that slows me down. Intimidation? I try to deal with my list one item at a time. I even wrote each item on its own card so that I could pick certain ones out of the stack and just see those instead of the whole list at once. So, I’ve solved that…but I think maybe my mind is not fooled. After I choose what I am to do that day, I begin wondering if I should change my mind. I am my worse enemy, I swear. I don’t think it matters what I choose to do on my to-do list each day. Everything I finish is worth doing and takes me closer to something I want. So, just…do SOMETHING. Argh. Ok, so on that note, I have the day off work today so I am going to do what I can, no matter how unpleasant the tasks seem. I’ll be glad at the end of today if I accomplish even little things because little things add up to BIG things (and I like accomplishing big things.) I can do this!
THIS is what will achieve almost every goal I have. There are things I need to do in order to bring me closer to what I want, and so I write them down. The next step is to do them. I am not sure what it is that slows me down. Intimidation? I try to deal with my list one item at a time. I even wrote each item on its own card so that I could pick certain ones out of the stack and just see those instead of the whole list at once. So, I’ve solved that…but I think maybe my mind is not fooled. After I choose what I am to do that day, I begin wondering if I should change my mind. I am my worse enemy, I swear. I don’t think it matters what I choose to do on my to-do list each day. Everything I finish is worth doing and takes me closer to something I want. So, just…do SOMETHING. Argh. Ok, so on that note, I have the day off work today so I am going to do what I can, no matter how unpleasant the tasks seem. I’ll be glad at the end of today if I accomplish even little things because little things add up to BIG things (and I like accomplishing big things.) I can do this!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Big Time Sensuality
There's this fellow, he's poor. So he starts to pray. It's not one of those self-abnegating types of prayer where Tevya shouts at the Lord that it's no great honor to be poor. It's plain and simple, "Lord, please let me win the lottery today."
"Lord, Please let me win the lottery today."
"Lord, Please let me win the lottery today."
Every day, "Lord, Please let me win the lottery today." For ten years he faithfully recites his prayer and receives no response. Finally, after ten years of reciting this prayer, 3653 days (three leap years) the Angel Gabriel appears before the man, carrying a mighty gleaming sword, fiery eyes, and seriously ticked off look on his face.
"Dude!" Gabriel shouts, "Meet the Man half way! Buy a lottery ticket!"
Please, Lord, Let me get into art school in Chicago and be able to afford to achieve my dreams.
(Though, from a certain perspective...I can't afford NOT to achieve them.)
Sunday, August 05, 2007
The Sound of Rain
Today is an example of the speed bumps I occasionally run into during this journey of seemingly bottomless hope and trust in the God and my future. I am lonely...but not necessarily for people. (This is not to exclude my desire/need for human contact today, but rather to focus on the root of this loneliness). I feel alone in my struggles. I am scared of and intimidated by my goals. The other day, I was not at all daunted by my lofty dreams of becoming a freelance animator via higher education, growing into a famous artist (not necessarily world-wide but I'd like to be known of and sought out), a wonderful cook, an avid reader, entrepreneur, and citizen of a large community-stimulating city...(I dare to continue aching for Chicago.) It all seems like a mountain to me today, and I feel as though I've lost the appropriate gear. I pray this washes over me and that all I believe is in store for me will come to pass; that I have the strength and insight to grab onto the opportunities I find. That I never quench this fire inside.
I borrowed a few books from the library on the subject of Animation drawing. So far, it seems to flow with my dreams as an artist. I think I will find it is the facet of art I will enjoy most. So far, this has just been a guess. I am reading about success and failure stories from animators, and the necessary steps to take in order to enter this field. I seem to have already taken some of the steps, I just need to go a little further. I need to go back to school. I met my friend's brother last Thursday (he was visiting from out-of-town) and had a wonderful conversation with him about my situation. He told me of his friend Sam, who is an animator in San Francisco. Sam is a freelance animator and also works for a catering company. Is he successful? In my opinion, yes. He is doing what he loves and making it work with the catering job. I have his contact info now and his website URL to browse.
I desire a sense of security, yet I do not want to feel grounded...or stuck, if you will. I like the idea of traveling, having jobs that are changing with a variety of projects to keep my mind sharp and creative. When I learned of Sam, I was excited. The security I seek is not to have one job for the rest of my life. The security I seek is to have a flow of artistic opportunities and knowing that I am able to put myself out there to find more. I want to do what I love, make money from it, and have the confidence to grow with it.
I bought a drawing table with the intention of wearing it out.
I borrowed a few books from the library on the subject of Animation drawing. So far, it seems to flow with my dreams as an artist. I think I will find it is the facet of art I will enjoy most. So far, this has just been a guess. I am reading about success and failure stories from animators, and the necessary steps to take in order to enter this field. I seem to have already taken some of the steps, I just need to go a little further. I need to go back to school. I met my friend's brother last Thursday (he was visiting from out-of-town) and had a wonderful conversation with him about my situation. He told me of his friend Sam, who is an animator in San Francisco. Sam is a freelance animator and also works for a catering company. Is he successful? In my opinion, yes. He is doing what he loves and making it work with the catering job. I have his contact info now and his website URL to browse.
I desire a sense of security, yet I do not want to feel grounded...or stuck, if you will. I like the idea of traveling, having jobs that are changing with a variety of projects to keep my mind sharp and creative. When I learned of Sam, I was excited. The security I seek is not to have one job for the rest of my life. The security I seek is to have a flow of artistic opportunities and knowing that I am able to put myself out there to find more. I want to do what I love, make money from it, and have the confidence to grow with it.
I bought a drawing table with the intention of wearing it out.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Saturation
So, I've had a bit of a writer's block lately. It's more like a traffic jam of thoughts, all of them wanting to get to the front of the line yet preventing all from actually succeeding. I'm going to randomly point and choose a thought, hoping to form some kind of train. The others will have to either cooperate and form a single file line, or be kicked off the track for misbehaviour. I'm a visual person, obviously.
I cannot really say I'm at a turning point in my life because I've felt that it's been a gradual turn for about the past year. The turn is a sharp one, but the speed at which I've traveled thus far has been slow enough to keep me from wiping out.
I still work at the same job in the same town while living in the same apartment, all factors still capable of draining the vigor of my soul. However, changing these was unnecessary in order to change things within myself. I have risen above the negativity and realized this is all temporary. I will not stay in this location, nor in this career. I stopped letting such things define me.
I've begun to paint. Oh yes, a most glorious experience. I have missed this, the place I melt into when I quiet my mind and just let my talent run free. My painting style is a combination of music and dance. I immerse myself in music, blasting it through headphones as I move to the beat and begin to feel. I choose colors without hesitation and put little thought into their placement on the canvas. I have dancing interludes when the rhythm overwhelms me, and then I delve back into the painting. This is not a sitting activity for me. I love it, and it shows.
I am remembering what it is to be an artist. It really is a lifestyle. It bleeds into every part of my life, whether I realize it or not. When I stopped drawing for an extended time, I began to knit and sew. The clothes I've worn are not at all in fashion, but they combine texture and colors that I believe are intriguing. I decorated my apartment in my own fashion, purposefully mis-matching items to create variety of texture and a myriad of colors in a room. Each color of the spectrum and its hues will implant a certain mood in a person, green being calm, red being aggressive, etc. Why not view them all at once, and choose? Maybe this is logical, maybe not, but it works for me. I think my touch is beautiful.
I am living and enjoying life as much as I can, and the key to life really is balance. I have a poster on my wall of an elephant standing on a beach ball with the words "The Key to Life is Balance" below. I have had this poster for years, but never truly grasped its truth. Finally, thank God, I have.
I know myself on a much deeper level than before. I know what I like and what I don't and what is important to me. I know what I can handle already and am willing to stake out new territories of experience. I am willing to FEEL, because it is life I seek in all its forms. I know now that hard times are so good for me and the good times are that much better.
How many people reach this plane? I feel out of place amongst a majority of people, yet I can move about somewhat fluidly. At work, my co-workers seem to treat me with curiosity. I will not stay with them. To be blunt, they seem to already be dead, settling for a job to pay the bills while spending their free time recovering from the exhaustion it brings. They dream of possessions and seeing the latest movies. I dream of new planes of thought, new projects and places to see, new books, new people to meet and heightened spiritual experiences. I dream of LIFE itself. Even my physical self expresses this in its extreme sensitivity to its environment. A blessing and a curse, I can feel, see, smell, taste, and hear so deeply and clearly that even a description seems to throw me into a pseudo-experience. It's crazy.
I feel so free and open to the future.
Unlimited.
Wonderful.
Allah'u'abha!
I cannot really say I'm at a turning point in my life because I've felt that it's been a gradual turn for about the past year. The turn is a sharp one, but the speed at which I've traveled thus far has been slow enough to keep me from wiping out.
I still work at the same job in the same town while living in the same apartment, all factors still capable of draining the vigor of my soul. However, changing these was unnecessary in order to change things within myself. I have risen above the negativity and realized this is all temporary. I will not stay in this location, nor in this career. I stopped letting such things define me.
I've begun to paint. Oh yes, a most glorious experience. I have missed this, the place I melt into when I quiet my mind and just let my talent run free. My painting style is a combination of music and dance. I immerse myself in music, blasting it through headphones as I move to the beat and begin to feel. I choose colors without hesitation and put little thought into their placement on the canvas. I have dancing interludes when the rhythm overwhelms me, and then I delve back into the painting. This is not a sitting activity for me. I love it, and it shows.
I am remembering what it is to be an artist. It really is a lifestyle. It bleeds into every part of my life, whether I realize it or not. When I stopped drawing for an extended time, I began to knit and sew. The clothes I've worn are not at all in fashion, but they combine texture and colors that I believe are intriguing. I decorated my apartment in my own fashion, purposefully mis-matching items to create variety of texture and a myriad of colors in a room. Each color of the spectrum and its hues will implant a certain mood in a person, green being calm, red being aggressive, etc. Why not view them all at once, and choose? Maybe this is logical, maybe not, but it works for me. I think my touch is beautiful.
I am living and enjoying life as much as I can, and the key to life really is balance. I have a poster on my wall of an elephant standing on a beach ball with the words "The Key to Life is Balance" below. I have had this poster for years, but never truly grasped its truth. Finally, thank God, I have.
I know myself on a much deeper level than before. I know what I like and what I don't and what is important to me. I know what I can handle already and am willing to stake out new territories of experience. I am willing to FEEL, because it is life I seek in all its forms. I know now that hard times are so good for me and the good times are that much better.
How many people reach this plane? I feel out of place amongst a majority of people, yet I can move about somewhat fluidly. At work, my co-workers seem to treat me with curiosity. I will not stay with them. To be blunt, they seem to already be dead, settling for a job to pay the bills while spending their free time recovering from the exhaustion it brings. They dream of possessions and seeing the latest movies. I dream of new planes of thought, new projects and places to see, new books, new people to meet and heightened spiritual experiences. I dream of LIFE itself. Even my physical self expresses this in its extreme sensitivity to its environment. A blessing and a curse, I can feel, see, smell, taste, and hear so deeply and clearly that even a description seems to throw me into a pseudo-experience. It's crazy.
I feel so free and open to the future.
Unlimited.
Wonderful.
Allah'u'abha!
Saturday, May 26, 2007
This is why I'm a Baha'i
Last weekend, I had the opportunity to make a pilgrimage to the Baha'i House of Worship in Wilmette, IL. My dear friend Sean and I spent 30 hours of our weekend on this little event...very brief for such a distance to travel, yet entirely worth it. Below is a photo I took and an expression I wrote of the evening of May 19, 2007. We arrived just as the sun was setting.
In a word, it was Love.
Warm wind
smells of lilac and rhododendron
budding roses
soft breeze
magic night
Tablet of Ahmad encircling the Mother Temple
glowing spots of light in the grass surrounding
reflecting pool, mirroring spirits
visitors laughing and pointing
so happy
so many
"The Light of good character surpasseth the light of the Sun"
Strolling slowly, stepping softly,
singing humbly:
"Oh God, my Adored One, my King, my Desire! What tongue can voice my thanks to Thee?"
Turning at the reflecting pool I saw the sun through the temple doors.
Welling up with joy
for the beauty, the magnetism
the light of the visitors.
The wonder and awe.
Ya Baha'u'llah- Abha!
Could not help but fall on my knees
and touch my forehead to the ground
A tour was given.
Tourists gazing upon us with smiles
and wonder
A group of children
hands folded or crossed
standing in front of the reflection pool
Tourists smiling, giggling, admiring.
Magic.
Flowers and foliage
allergic
tired, yet bouncy
Full.
Refreshed.
* Arabic: "O Glory of the All-Glorious"
In a word, it was Love.
Warm wind
smells of lilac and rhododendron
budding roses
soft breeze
magic night
Tablet of Ahmad encircling the Mother Temple
glowing spots of light in the grass surrounding
reflecting pool, mirroring spirits
visitors laughing and pointing
so happy
so many
"The Light of good character surpasseth the light of the Sun"
Strolling slowly, stepping softly,
singing humbly:
"Oh God, my Adored One, my King, my Desire! What tongue can voice my thanks to Thee?"
Turning at the reflecting pool I saw the sun through the temple doors.
Welling up with joy
for the beauty, the magnetism
the light of the visitors.
The wonder and awe.
Ya Baha'u'llah- Abha!
Could not help but fall on my knees
and touch my forehead to the ground
A tour was given.
Tourists gazing upon us with smiles
and wonder
A group of children
hands folded or crossed
standing in front of the reflection pool
Tourists smiling, giggling, admiring.
Magic.
Flowers and foliage
allergic
tired, yet bouncy
Full.
Refreshed.
* Arabic: "O Glory of the All-Glorious"
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Running Out of Air
Allow me to briefly express my regret for the years of artistic starvation I've subjected myself to. I got so wrapped up in the belief that as long as I made enough money, I'd be happy. My biggest mistake was to halt all creation of artwork. My tools gathered dust and so did that section of my brain. Currently, I am at least incorporating art into a small portion of my life and redeveloping my talent through a college drawing class. However, it's not enough. I am still hungry...for time, for energy, for freedom of mind. I have fallen behind in art and I want to knock some socks off, but as I am relearning to walk I drag a ball and chain from my ankle.
My situation is frustrating. I got a full-time job to fulfill my financial demands. Unfortunately, said job is plainly eating my soul. This description comes across as extreme, yet the job requires 100% of my attention for the 8 hours I am there, and 0% of me. If my thoughts deviate from my work, I make mistakes and any mistake is intolerable. Simply, half my day is spent doing something I don't care about or enjoy, with no room for relief until I get home in the evening.
My spiritual livelihood is creativity, emotional expression, and artwork. My mind can't help but travel outside the office realm to something much more interesting. It becomes a catch 22, as the desire to think about what I love jeopardizes my job and my job jeopardizes the ease of creative thought. Ultimately, I need to get out of this job and find something simpler that pays the bills and lets me periodically be me. I feel dead there, and as soon as I step out of the office, it's like someone's breathed life into me again. It takes a bit of time to remember who I am and what I'd like to do with the few remaining hours of the day before I must sleep and start another day of work. I am sickened by this waste. I must find a way out, and it must be as soon as next month. I am gasping for air. It's just a matter of time before I lose my mind.
My situation is frustrating. I got a full-time job to fulfill my financial demands. Unfortunately, said job is plainly eating my soul. This description comes across as extreme, yet the job requires 100% of my attention for the 8 hours I am there, and 0% of me. If my thoughts deviate from my work, I make mistakes and any mistake is intolerable. Simply, half my day is spent doing something I don't care about or enjoy, with no room for relief until I get home in the evening.
My spiritual livelihood is creativity, emotional expression, and artwork. My mind can't help but travel outside the office realm to something much more interesting. It becomes a catch 22, as the desire to think about what I love jeopardizes my job and my job jeopardizes the ease of creative thought. Ultimately, I need to get out of this job and find something simpler that pays the bills and lets me periodically be me. I feel dead there, and as soon as I step out of the office, it's like someone's breathed life into me again. It takes a bit of time to remember who I am and what I'd like to do with the few remaining hours of the day before I must sleep and start another day of work. I am sickened by this waste. I must find a way out, and it must be as soon as next month. I am gasping for air. It's just a matter of time before I lose my mind.
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